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I've sort of been on and off SAF in the last few months, not long enough to socialize all that much with my fellow members like I'd like to. But, something feels suddenly very different here. There's been a shifting. Am I the only one that feels this?
My computer is broken. I think it could be fixed, but I don't have the computer know how to do it myself and I certainly can't afford to pay someone to fix it for me since I still don't have a job. I could take it to my dad and see what he could do for it but it seems like every time I let him fiddle with my laptop I wind up with a pile of uncooperative junk. It's probably just me that's the reason for my lack of luck with computers though, since my other sisters don't seem to have such problems with their computers. I could just wipe the whole system (can't do it right now since I left all the stuff I'd need for that at home) since I don't think I'd miss anything on the computer that much. I've got backups of most of the stuff that I knew I'd be using again soon. Fortunetly, I didn't have any of my school work on my laptop. I have two papers due this Friday though and it's been a pain having to work outside of the comfort of my apartment and walking home late at night because I have lots to do on the computer. GRRRRRR!
If I was just one point more. Thinner, taller, healthier, prettier... etc. Would I be satisfied with that? I think I would be, but that's because I'm still on this side of the next degree. I've always been one step away from possible happiness. Take the step, take a risk, I tell myself. Then, the doubt arises and I turn around and take giant leaps away. It makes it so much harder to get back to the one step moment. I deserve love... right? Those girls over there though, they have a right to love just as much as I do. And, they're pretty, vibrant, and obviously know what they want. Who am I to get in there way? Right? People say I was born into the wrong time period. I believe them... If speech is what seperates humans from the rest of the animals, I think I'd rather be an animal after all the things I've heard. How would people react if I acted on the outside like I do on the inside? I want a Disney moment, just one. Please?
You know what I really hate about having a cold? It comes around just when you really could do without it. Everything's fuzzy and I can't understand my already hard to understand reading assignments!
Still looking for a job. A little scared, but I'm pushing through as much as I can. There's some career fair next week at my university so I'm kind of hoping I'll magically be given a job by someone there that doesn't require me to have a car, count out money in front of people, or be in front of people for long periods of time. Yeah, that'll happen...
I'm really confused by resume writing. I've attempted it in the past, but I don't really know if I'm doing anything right or putting the right stuff. How am I supposed to get the job that I want if I can't present myself well on paper?
Okay, onto other things. Went to the library today and got my new library card. It may seem silly, but I love that library card. I love library cards in general! Okay, yes, I'm a library dork. But, when I was browsing through the books I came across a collection of short stories that happened to be the same collection my creative writing TA had pulled one of the stories he had us read for the class. I, personally, was really excited about this. And, I realize after reading a few of the stories in it why he chose only one to show us. The others, so far, are kind of strange. The one he had us read was strange in it's own way but these were... really strange.
Now, we have a new short story to read in the class and I was pleased to see that I'd already read it. It's one that's kind of stuck with me actually, and I was surprised when I realized he'd picked that one. It's called "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?" by Joyce Carol Oates. I'd just been thinking about that story earlier in the week, and now I have another copy of it. The first is in an old textbook from my ENG102 class. I really liked that story because one of the characters, Arnold Friend, made such an impact on me. Not necessarily in a good way. He is more like what I think of as a very real monster, and the story just stayed with me.
My roommate got me to watch Grey's Anatomy. I wasn't really avoiding it, really. More like just never got around to watching it. Now, I'm very curious. It's definitely got a soap opera ring to it, but the acting is a lot better and things blend a lot better than what I've glimpsed of soap operas. People say that soap operas are addicting, but I can't really get into them at all. Okay, that's kind of all I wanted to say....
Oh, confession. Sort of a veiled confession because I'm sort of reluctant to admit it to myself. I'm kind of... entralled by someone.... He's, not necessarily gorgeous at first glance but there's just something about him that makes him that way. I keep telling myself, no, bad, don't think like that, but I can't help it. *sigh*
There's my confession, what about yours?
So, after my meltdown at the end of last weekend I'm feeling very... unsure about things. I don't really know where I stand in the world. I'm starting to feel that the guy that I liked isn't so desireable anymore, which I'm glad about. I needed to get over that stupid crush and I've finally put my foot down about the whole thing. What do I do now though? I'm at a point in my life where the need for human connection is strong. I want someone in my life that I share a special bond with, if that makes any sense. I've been so scared all my life, I've never been able to obtain this. People are nice to me, yes. I have had friends, not that close of friends but still friends. No one has made me stop and think, "wow" though.... it's so cheesy, but I need someone who doesn't care if I don't talk that much, and can be as silent as me. I have these moments where I seem to burst with conversation; not necessarily because I have a lot to say but because I feel as if I am obligated to fill some invisible quota. Gotta say something, even if it's stupid, so they don't think something's wrong with me....
I'd rather go through life communicating with a touch on the shoulder and a nod of the head. I hum when I'm happy, or sing softly under my breath, like when a cat purrs when it's perfectly content. People are too used to filling the air with words though, and I'm growing tired of it.
I let my social anxiety get in the way again last night. There's been this guy I've been interested in, but he seemed interested in another girl so I stood alone for a while at the end of what had started out being a great day. I put myself in exhile and the only ones to approach me were a creepy guy, and a guy who seemed nice but I knew was just like the other ones. The other ones being those that I decided I'd try to like because they were the only ones I knew of who were interested in me. In the end though, I was scared and I'd close myself off from the world until I was completely silent and felt dead. I had my first kiss with a guy I didn't like because of that.
So, I saw the guy that I was interested in sitting there with another girl. She was pretty, and vibrant. I got this tight feeling in my chest, but I didn't leave like I should have. I just stood there, thinking that maybe it would just be a short conversation and he might really be interested in me. I might have a chance with him... they kept talking and I kept feeling stupid. That nice guy came up... and I wound up giving him my phone number. I felt dead. I couldn't stand it anymore, and the other guy I liked seemed to have walked off with the other girl. I took off and I didn't even go back to my apartment. I hurried across my university campus to the first part of the campus I'd ever seen and fallen in love with. There's was a fountain, grass and beautiful old buildings. I sat there and tried not to cry, then walked back to my apartment when I realized it was probably a bad idea to be out alone at 11pm. I got back, then my roommate got back. She went to sleep, and I ended up crying. I really hope she didn't hear anything. I don't know her well enough to cry in front of her. There's my pathetic tale of my night. I just want to be in love. I've never been in love and I've never met someone that made me feel safe instead of trapped and dead.
So, I was thinking today, I wonder if I can find that one poem I wrote a way long time ago and see just how much my poem writing abilities have changed throughout the years. I found it, and I also found myself laughing uncontrollably the entire time I read it. Wow, it's cheesy. VERY cheesy. And here it is:
First Heartache Because of what you did I let you go,
But without you my life is torturously slow,
My heart yearns to see your smiling face,
Just one last time for old times sake,
I want to cry but the tears won't come,
The song of love can no longer be sung,
Our relationship was just a con,
I guess I'll have to just move on,
The memories of you hurt so bad,
How could I have fallen for such a cad?
So what do I do to ease the pain?
You caused this agony that's driven me insane!
I can not see how you won't try to ease my tortured soul,
Your heart must be made of coal,
Well I will live without you from now on,
I now won't care if you are gone,
You have caused pain to my now broken heart,
But to continue to bleed would not be smart,
So go ahead and haunt my thoughts longer,
It will only make me stronger!
Now, to show that I am no longer that girl that wrote the previous poem (I wrote it in highschool, sophmore year), here's another example. This was written last year, after I started writing poems again. I stopped writing poems in sophmore year actually (which was...a little over four years ago), the same year I wrote that one above. I was scammed, by poetry.com if anyone has heard of it and I felt like I would never be a good poet because they told me that I was wonderful when I was in fact very, very bad. How was I supposed to know if I was writing anything good if people were lying to me and trying to take my money like they did? Here's the other poem then: Traveling a Story
A stiff binding. Yellowed pages. Curved, ink letters.
My hand glides over the cover,
And I feel the ridges of a story coil inside.
Fingers grip, papers arch.
The pages slouch open as I hear a heavy sigh.
Tendrils stretch, and words yawn wide,
And I am drawn in.
I’m lost, suddenly, as my breath takes in the words.
The first page is a dusty road,
Rising and falling over country hills,
Splitting as I turn the page.
I turn left, and the story is blowing at my back,
Driving me forward.
I exhale, and the story races before me.
Drama tastes bitter on my lips as he pulls away,
While Humor flits in front of me like an aerial sprite.
Tragedy looms behind in my shadow,
Sighing out soliloquies of remorse,
And Romance follows hazily.
My eyes fill with stars.
I take the time to breathe again, feeling overwhelmed.
The story comes rushing back to crash into me,
And I gasp, a fish gulping for water.
I stumble back and out of the pages,
No longer hearing the groan of words,
Or smelling the aroma of dust curling up from pages.
I look at the lifeless writings,
Dry and dead beneath my shaking hands,
And though I sit, parted from my companions
I search out another jagged road in the distance,
And the tales that journey on it.
I don't know how good this one is, but compared to the last one it's a masterpiece. I wrote it for a class assignment and the teacher actually eventually asked me if I had written poems before. She liked my poems and while I was still unsure about what to believe, I felt like believing what she said to me.
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