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Viewing 1 - 6 out of 6 Blogs.
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Lonely
Posted On 03/09/2008 12:03:07
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I'm feeling extremely lonely. Anyone want to chat? I'm MuadDib8 on AIM and demonclouds on yahoo.
Well, my birthday is coming up on sunday and I'm in a real real foul mood about it. I always end up wasting my birthday, just like I do most days. I always spend it alone and depressed. This year I really wanted to do something fun for once on my birthday so I could enjoy it. Unfortunately I've thought pretty hard and I can't think of a single thing to do. It sucks that even when I want to do something enjoyable, I don't know how. My family is hours away and I have no friends to spend it with. It looks like another lonely, depressing, and boring birthday for me. I just spend all day ruminating about how I'm one year older and I have nothing to show for it. The two worst days of the year for me are probably my birthday and valentines. I really wish this year could have been different, but it looks like its going to be the same old, same old. I wish I could think of something fun I could do, but I guess not. Its not helping my already bad mood that tonight is my company's holiday party (it was delayed because of weather). As you can probably guess, I didn't go because I had nobody to go with and everyone else had guests. In summary, bleh to boring, wasted birthdays... Why can't I have fun and enjoy myself at least for one day? I can't even do that! Sorry for venting...
Feeling very lonely tonight (like usual). I'm going to be 25 in a little more than a month and don't really have anything to show for it. People I went to high school with are getting married, starting families, having kids. Meanwhile I have yet to even date or even kiss a girl. There's no hope or prospect of this changing. I'm never in any situations where I could meet anyone, and even if I was I'd just have an anxiety attack. I see couples everywhere and it just reminds me. I hate it. Its especially bad now that its the holidays. Everyone is being happy and enjoying each other's company, and I have nobody to spend it with. Everyday I'm just getting older... I stopped going to my therapist. He was a waste of time, just like all the previous therapists. I am done bothering with them.
Its 1:30 am and I'm absolutely bored out of my mind. I have nobody to talk and nothing to keep my mind occupied. The worse part of all is that its only friday and I've got an entire weekend of this to look forward too! I always get really bad panic attacks when I'm bored because I have nothing to occupy my thoughts and I start ruminating on my loneliness and depression. Last week my therapist asked me what things I had done during the week "for fun". I told him nothing. I don't really do anything anymore I enjoy. In fact, I don't really enjoy anything anymore. I just do everything out of habit and necessity. Of course, once the weekdays are over, and I don't have work to occupy the majority of my time, I've got 2 solid days of having absolutely nothing to do and I go mental. I hate being bored, it drives me crazy! I used to spend my time programming or talking to people, but I have nobody to talk to anymore, and nothing interests me to program (besides, I do that all day at work already). Sigh...
I used to have so many people to talk to online. Now there's nobody left. My buddy list has been empty for months now. Its actually funny. Most of the time I feel numb about the entire thing. I'm all alone but I just don't feel anything. But then other times (like now), it hits me like a ton of bricks and I become incredibly depressed. I try to distract myself to avoid the pain, but I can't do it forever. I haven't any "real life" friends in well over 6 years now, and have had to rely on people online for what little social activity I have, but now thats all gone to nothing too. I don't even know how I'd find more people to talk to now anyways. Sure, I visit some chat rooms, but I don't have any one on one conversations with anyone anymore. On tuesday I saw my therapist for the first time in 10 weeks. He wants to know if I want to continue seeing him. I don't really see the point anymore. I haven't gotten anything out of the meetings, just like all the other therapists I've seen. I feel like I'm becoming a machine. I wake up in the morning, go to work, come back, exercise, then watch tv or surf on the web until I have to go to sleep and repeat the entire thing over and over and over again. All without having any meaningful interactions with other people. To add salt into the wound, I get to see now tons of college students with their friends or girlfriends walk by my window constantlyl. (They're moving back into the dorms surrounding my apartment this week). Sure, I'm making money, but for what purpose? I'm not going to spend it on anything that really makes me happy. I guess I really don't have any point with all of this... I guess I'll go back to lurking in the shadows.
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