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I haven't updated since my whole speech class drama. I ended up having a panic attack before one of my speeches and dropped the class. It doesn't so much matter now though. Last semester I had switched my film minor to a major and anthropology major to a minor. I went back. I'm now anthropology again. I'm going to try to get in a visual anthropology program for grad school. I've also learned a good bit about anxiety through my studies in evolutionary psychology and it sort of confirmed something that I had though about my social anxiety. I think that it's influenced greatly by the fact that I live in a very oppressive place. To be someone like me in the bible belt is really difficult. The main reason the speech class was tough was because it was filled with business majors which at the university of Alabama means, conservative often homophobic frat boys. Overall I've gotten over a lot of my social anxiety. I've been hanging out with some pretty cool people. I have gay friends that aren't "the gays". It seems like its difficult to find gay friends that aren't going through some major crisis coming out to homophobic family or who aren't trying to come to grips with their sexuality. I hold nothing against those folks but I came out at a really young age and would really just like friends that I can relate to and who aren't just going to talk about their sexuality. Personally it's only really an issue for me when someone else makes it an issue. So it's nice to have people to talk to about everyday things. I'm also getting pretty excited because I only have a year to go here. I'm very happy and also scared shitless about that. I have a tough tough year ahead of me, my course-load from here on out is extremely intense. I need to work on my self-discipline. Because I'm going to reeally need it if I expect to pass. I'm seriously considering trying to not work. Although, I don't know yet how much financial aid i'll be getting. I really need to just take off of work, at least for next semester but financially, I may not be able to. boo. Oh, I'm also planning on joining the peace corps. I had considered americorps then peace corps so that i could actually move somewhere and have a life before i'm shipped off to some third world country. I hear it gets lonely in the peace corps. But I think I'm just going to take a few months off, study for my GRE and try to get in to an antrho grad program through the peace corps. I really need to do more research on that. Anyway, things are going well.

I've got to write an introduction for a speech I have to give tomorrow for public speaking. There is a long list of things we shouldn't write about. I'm looking for something that's not really controversial. I've been looking through the news and now all i can think about is this article I found about this car wreck in Malaysia in which a cow (which was in the back seat of sedan) got injured and then eaten by the towns folk. Talk about bad luck! Maybe I should take my ADD medication but i'm afraid that will make it hard to sleep tonight. Grr. Anyone have an idea for a topic? 

I'm not really sure that all this working out is helping my anxiety. It seems to, but I do know one thing...my @$$ has never been so muscular! And i'm a cyclist AND worked out regularly before but this public speaking class has thrown me in to overdrive. Seriously! I recently went through a break-up. I broke up with a girl recently that I was seeing for 2 months because she was seeing this guy behind my back (I've decided to stop dating straight girls even if, in Alabama, that means i'll probably be single until I leave). I'm strangely not really that bothered by it but, and this is going to sound vain, but I wish we were still dating so that someone else could see the muscularness (is that a word?) or my ass...no, no, as matter of fact, I think i'm got to show my @$$ to someone today. It's settled.

Okay, so my speech is tomorrow morning now. I was thinking while I was working out today that I should exercise! Yeah, I don't know why it didn't occur to me before. So I just took a melatonin and I'm going to read some and then just go to bed early and wake up early, have a nice breakfast and go to the gym and just do the elliptical machine for like 20-30 minutes while going over my lines. Then I can work out some of the anxiety and be all smooth tomorrow...and by smooth I mean not have a heart attack and die. Yeah, that sounds like a plan, that'll work right?

So we ran out of time for all the speeches today in pub speaking and my speech is put off until wednesday.

 In other news...I'm supposed to be submitting feedback for a reading for my human adaptability class. Instead I'm having a battle of the wit's with an unarmed solider on this anthropology blog about whether or not homosexuality is biological. This guy clearly just stumbled on to an anthropology blog and doesn't have a clue what he's talking about. I wouldn't be annoyed if he could back up his claims with something valid/scientific but this dude is spouting off some half-assed knowledge about natural selection. This guy seems to have a waaay overly simplified view of genetics and human biology/biocultural evolution. And seems to think that homosexuality is innately human which isn't even close to the truth. And this bring me to another point, because this happens ALL the time even in "real life"...

 Why the hell do people not realize that when I say things relating to humanity be it biological or cultural that I actually might know what i'm talking about? This is sort of frustrating because I study anthropology....THE STUDY OF HUMAN BEINGS. This is like going up to an aerospace engineer and telling them they don't know how planes fly. I can't figure out if it's just me or they just have no clue what exactly anthropology entails. 

So...I'm required to take public speaking for my major.

 

 

Tomorrow morning is my first speech. It's just a 1-2 minute ice breaker. We have to bring an object in and explain how we're like the item. I think I'm going to bring my bike in. I haven't figured out what I'm going to say yet. I've been trying to not think about it so that I wouldn't be stressed out all weekend. I'm afraid I'm going to have a heart attack. This sucks:-(.

 

So after last weekend, I've decided to not contact the girl I was seeing and she hasn't contacted me. I think it's over. I'm actually not mad at her. Like I said, I can't be, she was upfront with me about everything and that's what I always want. On another note. These girls have been making eyes at me. That sounds weird. Well, I see these girls on campus and at the pub and they always look at me and smile in this flirty way. One of them, the main one introduced herself to me and a friend one night but I hadn't had enough to drink and got really shy and made an excuse to get away. Well both of them added me on facebook this week. And they've sent me messages but I've really connected to one more than the other. I like them both. Well, coincidentally a friend invited me to this meeting for a student organization on campus that she happens to be the president of. Well, umm, so today she sent me a message saying that she was having people over and invited me but I chickened out. I like her. I don't really know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I've got some bi-polar type self-esteem. To be honest a lot of girls are attracted to me and I know that. But I just can't talk to them. People always think I'm really accentric and iook interesting and what if i'm not what they thought I was. As shallow as it seems, it's easier for me to sleep with someone than actually speak to them. That's kind of backwards. I guess that's how my last thing ended up being more physical than anything. I don't really know how to just talk to people. I've gotten a little better but...ugh!

Well I became an ordained minister today. Two friends of mine are getting married and want me to marry them. I think the irony is too great to pass up, being someone that isn't legally able to get married but can marry others. And forget the fact that i'm agnostic. I think I just like having the title Reverend. I'm really a pretty versatile person. I have many faces but a lot of times that doesn't get me anywhere. I mean when do you ever see want ads for fire breathers or stunt bike riders and all it gives you is a mild case on amnesia and a funny taste in your mouth. Maybe being a Reverend will be more useful. Can you marry people with a childrens bible?

Last night I went to my "friend's" show. I don't know if I mentioned, i guess i'm in a non-monogamous type thing with a girl. She's totally anti-monogamy, I think, with everybody, is what I gather. Yeah, we've dated for three months. She's a dancer and does these non-profit art shows and so a few weeks ago I found out she's been seeing this guy. And last night I went to the show and he was there. So she mainly just hung out with him. I was cool about it. It didn't hurt as much as I thought but it did sort of suck seeing her be with him the way she usually would be with me. Especially if we're non-monogamous. I get that it's new and that they went together but now we barely ever see eachother and i think it's just over. She said she'd end it if she wanted to end it. I made her promise not to let it be one of those things where i just fade out. I know I should just say $&#^% it. I should be the one to say it's not good enough. But I miss her. And now there's all this space where she used to be. It really hit me after I left and I was all drunk. I went to a fim festival today and the zoo with an old friend and it was all i could think about the whole time. ugh...and i'm so much cuter than him:-)! but i'm not a "him". I don't even know if its about that. whatever.

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