Date: Jun. 04, 2008
This time my psychologist spent 1 and a half hour with me. She tests me from time to time but now she had more for me to fill out, she got me coffee. Maybe cause she is going on vacation for four weeks. It´s gonna be a little weird not talking to her for a month. She went over the results, I´m very depressed and anxious, stressful according to the tests. I told her about a test I did in hospital 6 years ago which tested intelligence and that I got 130 on that and had 57 out of 60 right, she said it wasn´t dependable, just said I had a good ability to reason, that was thing that was being tested. She also told me I had good insight and complimented me and said we had made much progress. I was talking about intelligence, she said it was in my files that I had an IQ slightly above average so that made me feel better cause I thought I might be retarded hehe. That was because I have a very bad memory, can´t remember a thing, sometimes my mind just goes blank, not good in conversation. But yeah she said it was just the anxiety in me that is and has been causing this and I´ve been this way for many years. What I wrote she went over and discussed with me, amongst other things I said that when I saw a happy pretty couple, especially if the girl was hot I would get upset, angry, envious and thought I will never have this, no girl could ever be interested in me, she begged to differ and said that if I thought right about myself and was positive, confident, funny and I could be that it could happen. She told me I could feel alot better mentally if I changed my diet, ate regularly, had breakfast which I haven´t been doing. She wants me to have a routine I stick to every day. Told me to read the papers she gave me about extreme anxiety, I just protected me from it like so much else because it´s not in my comfort zone, I have to read it and go through it. Have to go out of my comfort zone. She told me to take someone with me shopping for clothes who could hold me in the store and tell me if the garment fitted and looked good on me cause I´ve been having trouble with this for many years, I just need to get out of the store five minutes after my arrival. Told me I was very able to learn which I doubted, to go out and see more people and do fun stuff, like go to a concert and to the movies. She told me to stay in the now, stop living in the past, feeling sorry for myself and thinking my life is over and the future is bleak, which I am guilty of. Also I´m supposed to use the Mindfulness technique. I said I feel so old, I missed so much because of the violence and my mental illness, then she said "You´re talking like you´re 90 years old, your life isn´t over". You are what you think she said, it determines what you feel and do.
Now both my psychiatrist and my psychologist are on vacation this whole month.
The following was to be done before today June the fourth:
Write. Did that.
Wake up að eleven in the morning. Far from doing that.
When I go to sleep, lay in bed with my legs apart; Since I saw the new exorcist movie I have had to cross my legs to prevent evil spirits attacking me lol, I also felt like if I didn´t do this a saw would cut me in half, of course I know this is nonsense but I´ve felt like that, so I´m supposed to let the anxiety come and skip doings this. Did that.
When you feel the anger, notice the feeling. Don´t judge the feeling, don´t try to change it. Look at it, examine it and notice where it is and how it describes it self and notice your thoughts. Did not do that, not all of this.
Go to a movie. Did that.
Visit. Didn´t do that.
Take the bus. Did that.
Now for this month:
Wake up at 11 o´clock in the morning.
Change my diet.
Take someone with me to buy clothes.
Live in the moment.
Date: Jun. 01, 2008
Wednesday: Saw my therapist, we talked mainly about my family, about my anger towards them for not caring about me all those years I spent in isolation at home with my mom. She was surprised my mom never tried to do a thing for me but tried to understand the others but I think this is inexcusable, I am so angry. She went through a muscle tension relax method with me cause I have very tense muscles in my legs cause of the anxiety. Then I took the bus which is easy now. She told me to get out of the house and do something so I wouldn´t have so much time to think about my problems negatively. So I went to the movies, just alone, then after the movie I decided to go to another one right away and I walked up the busiest street in the city, not a big problem now and hope it continues. Harold and Kumar sucked but 21 was great. I had some fun, nice to get out of the house.
Thursday: Woke up, went into the kitchen to have breakfast and suddenly the house starts shaking and swaying, I knew this one was big. I was lucky I was in the capital. In Selfoss some houses are ruined. In the wine store every bottle had smashed and luckily nobody was in there, in the milk factory many tons work machines gave and tumbled but the workers were in a coffeebreak so they could have been killed, roads opened up, enormous rocks fell from the mountains and that´s why there is dust in the videos, they rolled over the roads and took them apart and luckily nobody was hit, we have a new hot spring after the quake and it erupts, many are mentally done in and need post trauma help some serious cases there, a few broken bones but no fatality, some have lost everything they had. The european and american flakes meet in Iceland, near Selfoss and when tension builds there the quakes are always pretty big. It´s amazing how well we came out of this. The quake was 6.1 on the Richter scale but only 2 km deep so that made him strong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wc_g6XiGwTM
Well, after the quake I met with the nurse, we went walking, my cousin who was in the ward (she´s home now and is feeling fine) came to visit me. She was scared and frightened that a big earthquake would come and kill her even though she was in Reykjavík but I managed to calm her down.
Since Friday I have done nothing, yesterday I was sick and now I woke up in the evening again like friday and too late to do something. I have so much anxiety and tension in my body it´s hard to sit down and read, concentrate, I must start to do these exercises from the therapist, I´ll put them in soon but now I´m pretty tired after writing this, gonna relax, do the exercises and maybe then if it works I´ll write more. Man I hate being like this, I can´t stop shaking my leg most of the day.
This week, before june 4th:
Write.
Wake up að eleven in the morning.
When I go to sleep, lay in bed with my legs apart; Since I saw the new exorcist movie I have had to cross my legs to prevent evil spirits attacking me lol, I also felt like if I didn´t do this a saw would cut me in half, of course I know this is nonsense but I´ve felt like that, so I´m supposed to let the anxiety come and skip doings this.
When you feel the anger, notice the feeling. Don´t judge the feeling, don´t try to change it. Look at it, examine it and notice where it is and how it describes it self and notice your thoughts.
Go to a movie.
Visit.
Take the bus.
Date: May. 26, 2008
Last wednesday I as usual went to see my therapist. We talked about how my whole family did not ever try to help me or even ask me if everything was okay for those years between 16 and 24 which I spent frozen in isolation with mom, I guess all the sh*t that I had been through finally got to me, she tried to defend them a little bit and that made me angry, I don´t think they can be excused, I´m full with anger towards my family, I rarely let it out, my doors are ruined, I felt bad then plus the anger added to it. But she said at least that she wasn´t saying what they did was right. I went home and wrote a lot about my family, felt the anger and had a hard time calming down. I can´t remember more from the session.
The same day Man Utd were playing in the Champions league final, I watched it alone but that was fine with me. I managed to calm down before the game and really enjoyed it. I was like a kengerue on acid just hopping around and letting out a scream now and then or in the fetus position in the sofa peeking through my fingers, I´m actually surprised nobody called the police. I was so happy when Van der saar defended the shot from Anelka I was like the players themselves and I actually cried tears of joy lol. Now I can make my nephews life a living hell for a whole year :) He´s a Liverpool fan, big mistake. No just joking, I won´t bragg, don´t have to.
Then I phoned my aunt which I deeply care about, her husband answered and told me he was taking her yet again to the mental ward, I immediately thought she would try to kill herself cause she has tried numerous times and always in the ward but luckily she is feeling better everyday and assured me she wasn´t going to do something stupid. I´m going to see her soon, of course I´m nervous going in there where I was myself, some of the people there now I know a little. It´s mainly because I´m insecure of how I look, I just see this monster and expect everyone to laugh at me.
And just now I went to the grocery store, as I was leaving I saw a man in nothing but he´s underwear walking to the busstop, I kinda felt nothing and did nothing, just stared and thought this isn´t gonna be good. Sure enough he made his way to downtown busstop and tried to enter, a few men, busdrivers stopped him and tried to talk to him I think but almost everyone was laughing or smiling not realising there was nothing funny about this, the man seriously sick. Then came students drinking after their exams and met him and laughed their brains out and took him with them and didn´t leave him alone, he then ended up standing beside me when I was paying for my groceries. I was just frozen, I don´t know why I didn´t do anything and I really regret that now and I´m dissapointed in myself. For a moment I almost smiled like the others, I´m ashamed of myself. Maybe I just felt too bad and insecure to do anything, just makes me sad people react like this. I was convinced those boys would laugh at me too when they saw me but they didn´t. I just wish I would have done something for him. He was not drunk, so he must have been high on drugs, maybe mentally ill otherwise. I will talk about this next wednesday with the therapist.
Last session she told me to try to stop having my leg constantly moving, then and since then I´ve been nervous and my leg has been shaking, when I stop I need to start moving him again. She had me closing my eyes, relax my body and tell her what I felt and thought, I told her I had intense tension in my legs and anxiety feeling in my chest and down. So I was to stop moving the leg but I haven´t. I´ve been so full of these feelings I have been too exhausted to write or even sit infront of the computer. Haven´t had a full blown panic attack though so, and surely things could be a lot worse.
Today I slept till 4 o´clock in the afternoon and missed my assistant who is supposed to take me somewhere or just walk with me since I´m so socially isolated still. Can´t control my sleep.
My blood tests showed all was okay, don´t know why but I expected and prepared myself for the worst kind of news but no reason for that, that´s health anxiety she says.
And I got a letter from the city that I rent from, they are going through all the house. Putting in new plumbings, taking the bathrooms and completely renewing them and other stuff. I am supposed to attend a meeting with my neighbours and the city in the end of the summer and then they are making me move out in the fall, my therapist says don´t worry about this, it´s months from now, of course she´s right and I don´t worry now. I am gonna ask them for a bigger apartment in another neighbourhood and to stay there if I like it.
Last week´s assignments, supposed to be done before the 28th:
Don´t check the doors after you get into bed, successful.
Go and have your blood examined, done that, I was pretty nervous doing this, always thinking what if I say something weird or wrong? What should I say? Or, what if I do something stupid? But it went well, no problem.
Buy 2l of Pepsi this week and no more, almost, drank 3-4 liters, switching to water and a little coffee :)
The hygiene ocd, get it under control, skip the rituals and doing things too often, this one is tough, I´m slowly getting there, almost rid of this.
This week:
Write situations, feelings, thoughts, what I do all day. Been writing more.
Take the bus, did that
Watch my surroundings, the people, had a hard time with that sometimes.
Don´t check the stove, almost did that
Take care of me, don´t let me go, done that, stopped skipping showers if I´m depressed, just jump in and don´t give me a chance to cancel.
Don´t check the doors after you get into bed, successful.
See my aunt, will tomorrow.
Stop a hygiene ritual, haven´t been able to do that.
Go to the bank and get a creditcard, did that.
Drink 2l of coke, not more, did that and I mostly drink water now and for the first time ever I like it.
Date: May. 18, 2008
Had a panic attack last night. I was going to sleep and I started having some crazy thoughts while in bed, maybe that triggered it. Yeah expected someone to kick down my door and slit my throat. I have to cross my legs so I don´t feel like some evil spirits will attack me. When I lay on my side I couldn´t stop thinking that some monster creature hand would come up under the bed and grab my face and suffocating me. I almost felt it happen because I almost expected that to happen, it´s hard to explain. I sat up when I hadn´d been able to breathe well for a while, I did what I always do and sat in the sofa but that didn´t help, I felt a huge weight when walking like I was carrying something that weighed 30 kg. Went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, my eyes were almost completely red. Went back to bed, couldn´t lay down for long, sat up until I was so sleepy and exhausted I just fell asleep. All this time I periodically felt like I was dying.
I´m having these panic attacks now regularly and am a little worried about that. Starting to think maybe this isn´t panic attacks, rather some bad effects from my meds cause they all happen shortly after I take them. What I had usually done to soften this was telling myself this wasn´t killing me, was not dangerous but that didn´t work now.
Now I can´t sit still, my leg is constantly moving, full of tension.
Date: May. 16, 2008
She was 20 minutes too late, had a difficult case. I handed over my writings and we went over it. The list of compulsions I made, one of them is that I started checking the doors again, more often, cause now there are bees and wasps all over, even though I have a net in my windows I still close the doors when I go to sleep, I´ve been going out of bed checking if they are closed. Started checking if the fosset was running but got that under control soon. Sometimes I begin old compulsions and manage to stop them. I check the nets and am stopping that and it´s going well. She told me just to stop checking and let the anxiety rise, it would go down slowly over a few days. There are two more compulsions I have not told her from yet, just forgot. She´s not asking that I quit all my compulsions at once, just start with the easiest thing on the list. I also have health anxiety, made a list over health concerns, she read it and decided to send me to the hospital for a blood examination.
Last week´s assignments:
The usual, did that
Start taking the bus, did that;
Here is an example of how we can misinterpret situations. I took the bus the other day for the first time in maybe a year. When I entered there was this group of girls making noise and saying things like "oh disgusting" "oh my god, so creepy" and laughing so of course I imediately thought they were saying that about me and got all angry and sad, then after a while I notice there is a bee in the bus and although I´m scared of them bees I felt no worry. So it wasn´t me they were talking about, it was that bee. I was convinced they meant me lol.
Stop the hygiene ocd, almost did that and I haven´t told her about one little thing, I will next time, it´s a little hard to skip this completely, it´s been going on for so many years but it will go away oh yes it will.
Don´t check the doors, failed.
Make a list of compulsive acts, did that.
This week´s assignments:
Don´t check the doors after you get into bed
Go and have your blood examined, done that already, I was pretty nervous doing this, always thinking what if I say something weird or wrong? What should I say? Or, what if I do something stupid? But it went well, no problem.
Buy 2l of Pepsi this week and no more, that´s a huge challenge since I´ve been addicted to this sh*t for years.
The hygiene ocd, get it under control, skip the rituals and doing things too often.
A few things happened the last few days:
The bus ride, the blood test, I cleaned my apartment-haven´t done that for very many months, went for a walk for two hours with my bro, visited them, invited me to barbeque dinner, took some laundry to him, went for a walk with one of my assistant nurses by the sea and we drove around, my cousins came to visit me, one of them I hadn´t seen for five years and that was the first time we saw each other back then, we went to U2 3D a concert movie that was in 3D.
Had fries and coke, drove around with my assistant and went for a walk by the sea, there was just one problem or rather a joke, I have a phobia for wasps and bees and when I see one I involuntary run around or jump and that I did a few times but at least I don´t dive anymore, there are a lot of those here, I must appear nuts when I do this, constantly on guard and ready to run.
And then something I suffered for, was so nervous, to have my cousins come visit me, it was just because of my niece that I didn´t know, hadn´t seen her for five years so we had only seen each other once before. She decided to wait in the car while her mother came up, why is that? Her mother called her and asked her to come inside, she then came up and I could hardly think I was so anxious, they didn´t say too much so I talked a little more than them I think but nothing was good enough of what I said I felt. I was also thinking my niece would find me and my home very weird and stupid. So then we went to this U2 movie, my first 3D movie experience, it was amazing, Bono in one scene reach out of the movie and almost shook my hand :) I feel like I´ve met him, but I didn´t feel like I was in the concert arena though. Then on the way home, I was thinking how I should say goodbye and went over some lines and I wasn´t very happy about what I decided to go with, that was fun, thanks for the evening, bye :/ And then after they went I started thinking she must be thinking I´m retarded, stupid, weird, unlikeable and laughing but I´m working at thinking more and more like I don´t care if I´m weird or mess something up, that nothing horrible will happen. After these few hours I was exhausted, the tension was so terrible I was physically exhausted but I had a good feeling since I did this.
Lastly, I was told that the company I rent with is going to tear everything down and make everything new so I would be forced to move into another apartment, maybe in the fall or just before christmas. I HATE moving, it´s a huge deal for me, I´ve been in a bad mood since I heard this yesterday. I mean, I´ve taken countless months to get everything in the right places in my home, don´t like changing my setup of my things. I´m mad about this, really. While this happens to me, the other people, mentally ill who got apartments with this company move into brand new ones!
The progress is small and slow but at least I´m moving up :)
Date: May. 07, 2008
When I came to see my therapist I met this girl who was with me in a therapy ward for many months. We looked at each other and smiled but I couldn´t say anything like I was locked, she said nothing at all. I noticed her leg was constantly moving, she wasn´t feeling good. I was so disappointed in me cause I really like her, that´s my problem, I am almost unable to connect with another person.
I thought, she´s so smarter than me, she couldn´t like me, out of my league.
I mentioned this to my therapist who proceeded to guide me in how to talk to people. She gave me papers, instructions.
Ask questions:
About yourself; For example, Do you remember me?
Situation; Haven´t we seen each other before? Are you waiting for a doctor?
About the person; Do you still live up north?
Statements:
Nice sweater you´re in.
So I will try next time to do this, think this over.
I asked about my personality disorder, she said she didn´t know what personality disorder I had, to determine that she would need to ask me alot more questions.
She went over what I had written down, thoughts, feelings, situations, what I had done and tried to correct it cause it was all bad, almost. Things like, that person stared at me, laughed at me, smiled at me cause I´m so ridiculous looking and a freak. I will get cuts in my face, diabetis. I have bad health anxiety. Things will come back. I also think nobody could be attracted to me and I hated seeing people together in tv and everywhere, makes me angry and jealous, like why can´t I have that, my experience in this field is not that good. I had another panic attack this morning but I managed to calm me down alot sooner than the last time, I told myself there´s no danger here and this will be over soon, I was not dying although I felt like it. She was pleased with that reaction from me. She could find other explanations of why people reacted to me the way they did, mine were irrational. If I worried about getting cuts on my eyelids I would rub it and it could happen she said so I will refrain from doing that. I´m checking doors again cause I´m scared sh*tless of bees and wasps. She said maybe this girl was looking at me cause I looked attractive lol, no way I said and another was maybe just being friendly and not pitying me. I´m very cruel to myself. All these changes are making me more anxious, she expected this to happen. I have alot of selfhate she said. She said only children and retarded people reacted badly and showed it to a person who looks bad. She said she was proud of me of how well I was doing, I didn´t agree with that, don´t feel like I´m doing anything big.
Last week´s assignments:
Keep from hygiene ocd, almost, just the hardest part left, I´m so close
Take the laundry to my brother, finally did that
Go out somewhere with my assistants, went to an artshow and for a walk
Look at me in the mirror and find something positive about my looks, write it down, did that, not many things I find though, mainly that I have hair, have ears, skin, that at least I had that.
And the usual; writing thoughts, circumstances and feelings, filling out the week table which I did pretty well
Twice I slept all day.
This week´s assignments:
The usual
Start taking the bus
Stop the hygiene ocd
Don´t check the doors
Make a list of compulsive acts
Not at all happy about the incident with the girl , I´m very disappointed in me, why couldn´t I speak? What´s that all about?
Date: May. 02, 2008
She now told me I had a personality disorder, I didn´t ask what kind, I was so surprised but I will. She told me she hadn´t decided on a time for us to work together, said it could be just the summer or even for a whole year. She´s very pleased with me, apparently my anxiety is up since my last test. I told her I felt so bad I was reading obituaries to feel better, that is finding people who had it worse than me and committed suicide, I saw that a girl who was in my class all gradeschool just killed herself, I don´t feel better seeing that. I still do it, don´t know why really, it´s not like I enjoy discovering people have taken their own lives. We spoke about my bdd, she assured me I was normal but she knew I wouldn´t believe her, that´s the disease. We talked about death again, you worry about hell after death but you already are in hell right here on earth she said! And I said yes to that, cause she´s right. She told me I had normal intelligence, my thoughts about my being stupid and a freak, an ugly freak were totally wrong, those kinds of thoughts I have been writing down in the cbt therapy most often of all thoughts. She asked me if I had any friends, I answered no, can´t have friends when everything is f@cked up the way it is. She said she will soon ask me to start to take the bus and be more around people, not particularly fond of that idea. I was very depressed in this session, had a new health concern that broke me down, she managed to talk some sense into me so I can relax now. Next time I will ask about this personality disorder.
This weeks assignments:
Keep from hygiene ocd
Take the laundry to my brother
Go out somewhere with my assistants
Look at me in the mirror and find something positive about my looks, write it down
And the usual; writing thoughts, circumstances and feelings, filling out the week table
Last weeks homework was writing thoughts, circumstances and feelings, filling out the week table, did that, also:
Go to a coffeehouse, did not do that
See a movie, did not do that
Take walks, once
Take care of the laundry(I´m always postponing that), did not do that
Wake up at 12 o´clock each day, didn´t do that, way later
I´m also changing my diet coke habit, buying 1L regular coke and drinking water, 1L also dai, stuck to that
I was way too depressed that week, slept the whole day once, started sleeping again during the day, stay up to fix it, had a horrifying panic attack one night, drained of any energy so I did nothing.
Date: Apr. 25, 2008
So this session I talked to her about aspartam, she told me she didn´t believe in studies on it cause there is so much amount used in the experiments, I could drink a whole bathtub of diet coke my whole life and the aspartam wouldn´t affect me, she added worrying about death like I do a little and going blind and such terrible things meant you weren´t living.
She did say aspartam could make you fat like sugar cause the body starts to react to it like it is sugar.
Much to my disappointment she told me she would be in vacation the entire month of June.
In the beginning she had also told me we would work together for a long time and now she said we would work this summer and maybe a bit longer, I mean is that a long therapy time? I am suspecting she changed the time, shortened it cause she sees little potential in me.
I don´t believe everything she says, like about the aspartam, I think she is just trying to keep me from worrying about this.
I also now went to my psychiatrist, I´m supposed to start looking people in the eyes when I´m out walking, don´t do that now, always expect something horrible.
Yesterday I slept the whole day and woke up at seven in the evening and so instead going to sleep in the morning I tried taking my night meds early, 6-8 hours early so I would fall asleep early instead of having to stay up for 24 hours. It was horrible, after a while I started to feel like I was dying and suffocating, can´t feel worse than that but now I seem to be fine, got to sleep after a few hours of agony, I even called a hotline for people who feel bad and I never have before. I need to tell my doc about this.
So how did I do on my last weeks assignments?
Well, wrote down feelings, circumstances, thoughts, what I do all day, I went to have my hair cut which I hadn´t done for 8 months cause I hate it, didn´t eat too well-not regularly, didn´t do to well on waking up at the right time-I like staying up all night so my sleep habit rocks up and down, I went down the busiest street in Iceland without my cap which was a breakthrough and met my paramedic at a coffeeshop and then stayed there alone for a while and then walked up the street again and shopped for groceries-I am finally free from having too wear this cap everywhere which had been the case for 9 months-I even had it on indoors if I went anywhere to visit lol, I´ve almost stopped counting, ehh be amongst people-well I have been venturing outside in downtown Reykjavík.
This weeks homework is writing thoughts, circumstances and feelings, filling out the week table, also:
Go to a coffeehouse
See a movie
Take walks
Take care of the laundry(I´m always postponing that)
Wake up at 12 o´clock each day
I´m also changing my diet coke habit, buying 1L regular coke and drinking water, 1L also daily
Date: Apr. 16, 2008
Went today to my therapist. She said I had severe ocd in addition to the hygienehell. One compulsion I have is with words, I have to read everything over and over and over, it´s pretty irritating. So writing a blog or something less like a comment can be difficult, can take hours. I don´t trust I pay attention and get things right, so reading and answering can be a nightmare. If I don´t write you guys it´s nothing personal cause I want to write everyone but sometimes I just think what I have to say is utter nonsense or wrong, not good enough. I have been writing quite a bit though the last 6 years, answering people with problems hehe, like I´m the expert and even have an icelandic site that I´ve had for 6 years but today nobody uses those kinds of sites, forums, just official ones.
She said I thought as negative as possible and now I am supposed to start correcting those wrong thoughts I´ve written down.
She also said I look normal and not bad and asked me to stand infront of the mirror every day and say "I am handsome", "I like myself" hehe, I did do that just now, made me laugh.
In addition to the usual homework (writing thoughts, feelings, circumstances, what I do all day) she asks the following of me this week:
Get a haircut-which I really hate and postpone.
Eat regularly.
Go to sleep early, wake up at 11 in the morning.
Go to a coffehouse and take my cap off-which I haven´t done for 9 months.
Stop counting all together in the bathroom, she said I can then expect to experience extreme anxiety and worries but that should subside.
Be amongst people.
I have not been able to quit counting in the bathroom completely although I´ve cut it down like 98%.
So this will be a hard week even if this seems little but taking my cap off in a crowded place and having a haircut is a big deal now for me and quitting my hygiene compulsion, being amongst people, all difficult.
Ps: Forgot to mention I´m on five different kinds of medication, Seroquel 600mg, Rivotril 1mg, Trilafon 8mg, Litarex 564mg and Akineton 2mg.
Date: Apr. 12, 2008
I got really sick at 24 and was hospitalized after that so I have experienced years of therapy. But at 2004 I decided to leave the ward, felt I was well, that turned out to be a big mistake.
I deteriorated over the next 5 months and moved away from life. Yeah I had friends and during that time in the wards a couple of girlfriends, I was in occupational therapy for four years and selfhelpgroups, mainly one to deal with the social phobia. Ended up, once again alone at home and moved to an apartment the system offered me.
Depression, anxiety, stress, sad, bdd, add, ocd, selfharm, false ideas, psychosemetic pain, health anxiety, not being able to leave the house amongst other things and two skin diseases that cause me great pain and suicidal thoughts but can be controlled with a little therapy, for some reason I just can´t live with them though.
This is a good package I have now, my therapist who´s therapy is free by the way :) started out after testing me by declaring we have our work cut out for us and would be collaborating for a very long time, a lot of big problems she said.
Life certainly hasn´t been a picnic. I figure I´ve had 23 really bad years and I´m 30 now and I still can´t believe I´m actually 30 years old, probably since I lost so many years to isolation.
So me and my therapist are starting by dealing with my ocd witch connects in part with one of my skin diseases.
My progress in that regard has been quite good I´d say. Because of my ocd I used to spend hours every day in the bathroom counting, checking and repeating rituals scared to death that I would get sick if I wasn´t extremely clean and dry. Now I only spend at most a half an hour a day in the bathroom, usually a little less so that´s a big change for me and life is a lot easier without this part of my ocd but of course it still is really hard because of all of the other sh*t I have to fight.
I´m surprised the psychologist has managed to help me more than my psychiatrist has the last 4 years, in a couple of weeks!!!
I´m not completely rid off the hygiene ocd but almost :) like 98%.
Next on the agenda is increasing my confidence.
So all this time she has been sending me home with reading materials about Mindfulness (a psychological meditation developed from buddism) and CBT. Also tables of the week where I´m supposed to write what I´m doing all day which isn´t much hehe, mainly my computer and the tv. I get papers where I am to write down bad situations, thoughts and therefore feelings, it´s going ok.
But all the same, even though this is going well my days still are monotanous and riddled with fear and sadness but occasionally I manage to forget and have a laugh, usually when watching comedy like Friends, well any stupid joke will do, almost, even Scary movie. I should be grateful for that.
I have severe ADD I´m told so reading is a nightmarish thing, the ADD mingles with my OCD so I go over every word probably over 100 times. It can be difficult to just write a comment and take a long time, sometimes I skip sending things I write because I feel it´s not good enough, I am hoping I will be able to beat this with my therapist´s help.
Now is a hard time for me. I have trouble going out of my apartment. When I was 22-24 I never went out of my house, since then I´ve had periods lasting from 2 to 5 months, usually over the summertime the last few years, so over all 5 times or 6 where I couldn´t go outside, not exactly eager to go through yet another period of that kind.
I fear it will happen though, it´s becoming increasingly difficult even at night, it´s the light, brightness that bothers me, feel everyone staring, expecting being harassed by strangers. Could be this is because of all the bullying I had to endure.
The funny thing is and yet not, I haven´t been able to go outside without wearing a cap, been that way since last summer, I just can´t show my hair and now I need to get a haircut which is a nightmare, never pleased with the haircut so it´s far from safe I will be able to be outside this summer. My therapist tells me she can help me with this though, I can show her my hair and first it was hard but now I am used to her seeing it....
Well, this is my status these days.
