And let me know your opinion!

I'm reading a book "Shutting Out of the Sun". http://www.amazon.com/Shutting-Out-Sun-Created-Generation/dp/0385513038 This book meticulously documents hikikomori, a psychiatric syndrome prevalent in Japan. Hikikomori, which literally means the withdrawn, alienate themselves from society. Frequently they stay in their bedroom literally all the time, sometimes for more than several years. Almost all hikikomori are supported by parents. Many researchers, including this author, think hikikomori is a psychiatric syndrome unique in Japan, and they tend to blame Japanese culture as a sole cause of hikikomori. However, I believe hikikomori is a cultural variant of SAD, not a unique disorder in Japan. While I do think Japanese culture, especially its emphasis on shame and other's opinions on you, exacerbates SAD problem, I don't think the social environment can be a sole cause of a psychiatric disorder in general (maybe except PTSD and DID, which is predominantly caused by an extreme stress. Some research shows susceptibility to PTSD can be related to biological factors, though). In principal, I believe human behaviors are products of environmental and biological factors.  I tend to think a person’s opinion is based on his/her ideology rather than a solid evidence when he/she insists everything is environment/genetics.

Well, actually ‘I tend to think’ is not quite an honest statement. Frankly, I despise an opinion heavily based on ideology, especially when a person is trying to present it as a scientific evidence-backed opinion. I didn’t notice it until recently, but I now know that my detestation on pseudo-scientific opinions partly comes from some experiences with a couple of teachers, whom I once admired but eventually we grew apart.

I wrote enough today, and I don’t want to bore you further if anybody kept reading this far. So I’ll write about experiences with these teachers in another opportunity.     

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After 2-week vacation in Japan, I finally came back to US. Not surprisingly, nothing has changed here. Just a handful of friends, my English with heavy accent, my once exciting, but now half-boring job etc. I was quite happy during the vacation because I could see many friends and family members. It is clear when I have a  sufficient human contacts, I become substantially happier. It is true even when I'm having a contact with not so close people. When I went to a conference trip with my coworkers, I was pretty happy even though they were not that close.

 I knew this very long, but it's hard to change. I can attend socializing event, like hiking club, softball, etc activities with strangers (frequently with help of klonopin, though). However, the relationship there usually remains unidimensional, meaning the relationship remains in that context, hiking, softball etc. It hardly move to more private, close relationship. Worse, I often have hard time developing a friendship even within the context, which eventually leads to dropping out of the activity. 

I  need a change. Keep telling this to myself past few years. Still staying in the same place. Not sure what I can do. But I'll keep trying anyway. I'll not stay at home during this weekend. I'll restart from there...

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Chimney falls and lovers blaze
Thought that I was young
Now I've freezing hands and bloodless veins
As numb as I've become

I'm so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight

Last night I dreamt I had forgotten my name
'Cause I had sold my soul but awoke just the same
I'm so lonely
I wish I was the moon tonight

God blessed me, I'm a free man
With no place free to go
I'm paralyzed and collared-tight
No pills for what I fear

This is crazy
I wish I was the moon tonight

Chimney falls and lovers blaze
Thought that I was young
Now I've freezing hands & bloodless veins
As numb as I've become

I'm so tired,
I wish I was the moon tonight

How will you know if you found me at least
'Cause I'll be the one, be the one, be the one
With my heart in my lap
I'm so tired, I'm so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight

"I Wish I Was the Moon" -Neko Case

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