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So today is my father's birthday. Thanks mom, for reminding me of repressed memories.

It just all ######## sucks, you know?  Everything's so screwed up, my life may never be anything but disorder.  Got nothing.  Who knows, maybe I would have turned out differently.  Did I deserve it?  Just another especially crappy time of year, with father's day coming too.

Well, them's the life.

I can't even remember what I wanted to say.  Well, gah, my mom is going in for an operation on Friday.  I thought it was for her wrist or something, because she never told me and she's been there before for that.  No, it's... breast reduction.  Gah I surgeries make me nervous, but... I guess it was just a surprise.  Because her back has apparently been hurting for the past two weeks and didn't get better after therapy... neither of which I knew about.  I guess where I'm going with it is, ya know,  think about the trends of society and everything needs to be bigger, better, and everyone needs plastic surgery.  Which is total bs, and it really pisses me off.  I really hated those reality shows that turned normal people into models.  Just because they were uncomfortable in some way with their bodies.  And then after the transformation, without any warning to viewers about the dangers, of course you hear the oohs and aahs.  I don't know about you, but I'd be terribly disappointed if my wife felt the need for such extreme changes just to feel attractive.  Think about it:  is this the message we want to send to our kids?  And you know, boob jobs are the new "I'm terribly skinny but I think I'm fat" fad.  I just hate hearing girls say they want bigger.  But maybe I'm different.  Gah, I was nothing like the guys at school who ogled over someone like Pam Anderson.  It's like, wow... that's not impressive.  It's the opposite (and what benefits do you stand to gain from it?  I can understand things for health and medical reasons, but purely cosmetic... no).  But maybe I'm just... different.

Accept the body you were born with!  It's as pointless as cloning pets.  Yes, I love my dog too and wish she didn't have to go, but that's life.  Learn it, accept it, deal with it.  Unfortunately death is part of the equation.  And plus, there are so many other dogs out there.  I see them locked away in shelters, waiting to be destroyed.  Give them a chance.  Save them.

I'd just like a normally-proportioned woman with a killer personality.

But who am I?

I'm just kinda stressed in a different way, I suppose.  So many things.  But really right now, the problem with being here is that my mom keeps badgering me about church and gaining weight.  She buys so much crap... it's hard to resist.  It's hard enough to keep track of, jeeze.  What does a cup of Fruit Loops look like when you don't have any measuring devices (or even Dixie cups, period).  Stop it!  I don't even feel that comfortable anymore with all the meat.  I don't know what to do.  I don't even know if it's worth it.  And when you keep track of it, it's pretty troubling to see that you're being force fed every day nearly double the amount of recommended cholesterol, sodium, and protein.  Usually the majority of it consists of fat.  Even that tends to be too much, and at the same time, you aren't consuming enough of the real energy - carbs.  Just... something, make sense please?

Can't anyone here me...? 

My sister came out of her room sobbing as she left for work.  I didn't ask because I'm me.  I didn't find out until around 11 PM when my mom called asking me if I wanted to go to Walmart.  Well, the guinea pig is dead.

I hate my sister so much.  I have no doubt that once again her negligence... she wants to be a vet.  She claims she loves animals.  But she's so self-absorbed and lazy that she doesn't have the time to take care of anything.  We keep saying no more animals for her, but this one she brought in without permission.  We tried to not get attached...

It's so my fault.  I could have done something if I wasn't so dumb.  How many times did I go in there within the past week because the thing was loudly chirping and I didn't once think to check the food and water?  It was chewing on the bar for goodness sake.  It didn't even run and hide from me.  Why did I even begin to get attached?  Why do I care?  Why does it upset me so much?  I could have fought to get the thing out of there like I did for the chinchilla.  It doesn't matter if I don't have space.  I'd make space.  Even though she wouldn't let me take it... I only got the chinchilla because she was planning on getting the guinea pig.  In a way, perhaps I caused this.

Sigh.  So I was at Walmart and I managed to run into these kids from my Calculus class way back when (11th grade, but that's ancient history).  The loud one threw a box of rice crispies on top of one of those square signs suspended from the ceiling xD  Then there was something about security, and I was spared any more humiliation.  Then, on the way out, there was this old man standing way in the back corner of the closed and darkened Subway, and the whole time he was just staring at me.  I swear he was watching me the whole time.  It's one of those things where you happen to glance over and you think it's a cardboard cutout or something since it doesn't move and it just... looks at you.  Creepy.  I wasn't even that close.  The Subway is recessed into the wall and I was practically halfway to the middle of the store stuck in the clothes section.  Hurry up mom, this creepy dude is staring at me.

Well, that's all.  Too bad if it's short.  Too tired to rack my brains to think of something else.  I wish I could make my dreams come true.  Can't anyone hear me...? 

Colored gray. I want to be Omar gray. Not the world around me. I want to see the colors of the world. The deep blues of the sky, the glowing green in the grass and on the trees, the pinks and purples and yellows touching on the flowers like butterfly feet. Not this perpetual monochrome winter.

It's time for A Long Talk. Why does everything have to be so confusing? Just skipping along the sands of time, trying to sprout my wings and fly. Trying to make sense of the sand and the sky. Can't anyone hear me? Has no one walked this path before me? Is there no direction, no Zelda-like instruction posts? How do you understand... you?

If I spoke what I felt I know what advice I'd get. Our yearnings give us life and then destroy us. To tell it all? How helpless we are, like netted birds, when we are caught by desire! I'm just speaking in riddles, because my words get in my way. Vague hints, fear, waiting and hoping a miracle strikes.

I also desire some direction in my life, to feel like I'm part of something bigger than myself. Be meaningful to someone. Have a purpose, or a tether.

Sitting here today, a wave of sadness randomly washes over me, and can I ever feel better than alone? I know I'm watching my life fade away and I can't do anything about it. Watching everyone else lead lives of adventure and fullness... why does everything have to be so hard? Don't you ever wonder, how did this happen? Why me? What more can you take away?

Can't anyone hear me :k

Let's see... in addition, my sister was a complete 817c# today. I hate conflict... I guess because I'm a sensitive person, but it's driving me batty. I just want to get out of here and fly away. No more fighting... the dog escaped again and, trying to run in slippers doesn't work too well, lol. My mom had to rush to complete the speech she had to give for school tonight and then she forgot the paper at work anyway, after I had sent it to her... and I feel mentally sick of meat... and I discovered an NES emulator on Facebook... mouse is malfunctioning... omar said something new... otherwise, I might as well have stayed in bed.

Guess I'm tired of my sister and her friends and boyfriend. Jealous? Maybe...

 

 

HELP!

I'm being watched like a hawk. The Grey Goddess (Omar) is hovering over my shoulder. I am, after all, her personal servant, therefore she must watch closely lest I stray from The Flock. Hold on, now she demands my full attention.

I came close today to seeing one of my nightmares play out before my eyes. I don't think I wrote about it. The dog jumped on the door handle, knowing she can open the door, and she managed to squeeze out. I ran out in my pajamas, calling and stuff as I watched her go across the street. She started moving when, of course, a stupid car came. It never fails. They would have reached the space at the exact same time. Fortunately they stopped. It was the same exact location as in my dream. That thing gave me a horrible image for a couple of days until I forced myself to stop thinking it.

Why is it that every time I want to pull out of the driveway or cross the street, a car has to be there? I hate cars, and I really really hate big rigs I remember the guys in middle school looking at car magazines and I was like thank god I don't fit in so I don't have to explain myself.

I forgot what it was like to have a big dog. We've begun puppy class. It's pretty funny. There's only one other dog in the class, this little brown dog. They bark at each other, and the teacher will step in and calm Alla down and give her a treat and then as soon as she moves Alla starts barking again and then looks sits again as the teacher begins to move, as if she is bribing for treats. We're on week 3, loose leash and sit. Haha, as soon as she hears the clicker she immediately comes over and sits, expecting a treat. Very useful when she's chasing the cat around. Poor Jezebel.

Oy. Good thing is I can take her for a walk, for training, and use it as exercise. That is, providing I get up in time. My mom wants me to help her look up things for class. Marketing, lol...

I'm kinda confused with food... I can get so fat here, there's so many goodies. Ugh. I'm already fat, and I don't need to regain any fat. But it's so hard in our society... dessert, meat... I'm confused with meat. My mom has pretty much turned vegetarian as she continues to diet, she hasn't yet kicked fish (I was glad to find out today that she considers fish a meat). Now, I feel the same about animals, as I don't take much joy in eating them (besides, we'd be healthier if we limited our red meat intake and had a diet more like, idk, Nepal I think?). Ugh, veal. What they do to those creatures. But I'm kinda stuck on times when I crave a hamburger or something. I imagine things would be much easier if one started at a younger age. Plus I'm not... fond of most veggies. Oy, steroid-filled cows (why do I care, I've never cared that much about myself). Plus my favorite foods are fish (which is healthy until we destroy it with mercury). The meatless things my mom has don't really taste too bad, actually. But can I stand to limit myself? Especially if I ever learn to cook like I want to (Chicks dig it, I hear). Not many options on the shelves, it seems. It's a meaty world, that's for sure. Think about it, no more Taco Bell Haha.

Plus, if things ever change for me... I'd need a like-minded person. Heheheh.

Well, I was bad and had this killer Ghirardelli (sp?) dark chocolate ice cream with caramel-filled Ghirardelli chocolate pieces. Wow. Hate to think how many calories that was. But I did have fish for dinner.

Ugh, it's nearly 3AM. Better sign off. Good night.

Stay fine!

Watching the House finale... you kind of are reeled back towards the more fundamental parts of life.  I don't know how to describe how I feel.  Kind of a mix of everything, I suppose.

It was a sad show.  I feel like a House, just not as smart and nowhere near as witty.  And hot ;)  But I digress.  I don't want to be in pain and miserable anymore...

Knowing that things are all my fault.

But as Amber said, anger... and subbing it for so many other emotions... as I die... this isn't the last feeling I want to experience before I go.  But I don't know how to deal with this.  Outside of the Internet, no one really listens to me.  And I can't change things the way I'd like.  All I know is that I don't want to feel so alone and confused.  I don't understand myself, my emotions, others... I have a secret I've not yet told.  It's eating me up inside.  But perhaps the hardest part is knowing it and not being able to do anything about it.

I can't even ask a person how their day was because I feel too prying...

If it weren't for the Internet... perhaps I'd truly have no one listening to me.  For that I am thankful.  You know...

Anyway, so my mom finally made me fill out a job application... for JCPennys (where she works part-time).  And I fill out this questionnaire online (which contained many irrelevant questions.  Why do you need to know where I shop? (if I shopped)).  And as soon as I finish the thing says something like "the responses indicate that you are not qualified for this position".  It's not like, being a salesperson or anything... ugh.  What am I qualified for?  I've applied at a grocery store or something for something as mundane as returning carts or restocking, and never heard anything back.  And the one mystery thing that sent me an application ended up not even giving me an interview (apparently my reputation precedes me).  So you can imagine how, quite justly, I feel sometimes.

Anyway, I guess I'll think of something happy.  For someone living with dogs (and birds, and rodents, and fish...) my whole life, I never imagined we'd have a cat.  Cats are such silly creatures.  Very different.  It's quite a different experience from dogs.  But my kitty, she's so fussy and such.  But she's so... how do I put this without sounding wrong.  Irresistable?  Even if she claws and bites me sometimes for no reason.  So silly when she hides in bags and stuff.

Must be nice having nothing to worry about except eating and sleeping all day.

Well... I'll try to put on a smile and forge ahead.

Stay fine! 

My mom, she doesn't get it.  She comes in and starts talking about her and chimes at church and feeling nervous and worrying about mistakes or something.  She keeps trying to apply it to me, implying or otherwise stating that I need to just stop worrying or something.  The most fundamental error, perhaps.

She doesn't get it.  The medication is a cure-all... otherwise it's all a matter of being happy and calming down or whatever.  Yeah.  If it only required me doing whatever and not caring, do you think I'd be as I am?  I barely tend to myself anymore (I have no reason to), does it look like I'm really concerned about what people think?  If I cared, I'd imagine I'd talk more instead of not talk at all.  All the times people give me that look and distance themselves because of me?  Are you saying it's because I'm nervous?  Yeah, sure.

I've tried to explain it to her.  I've shown her info.  She believes it.  But she just doesn't change.  Join clubs!  I did that.  Talk talk talk.  If only I could.  I try.  She doesn't get that I don't really care what people think, whether or not I'll be embarrassed.

Her idea now is Toastmasters.  She wants to go, and drag me along.  Now, I've looked into it before, but with her... I'm actually less likely to speak to others when she's around.  Pretty much zero chance I'll speak.

And public speaking - I actually have done that more than I've done anything else!  Granted, I'd rather die than do that, but... I've done reports and stuff.  I've even managed to bungle my way through the highly scrutinized speech & impromptu of Acadec.  And that's also with enduring a hell of a lot of practice with people I know, which is even worse.  It's never been a problem because it's been a necessity.  Grades... being afraid of embarrassment back then.  Well, perhaps that's one sign that I don't care anymore.  I didn't do the presentation portion of class this semester.  And I wasn't thinking of what people would think of my grades.

But she doesn't know how deep down the well I am.  She can't even guess behind my facade.  This is where I tell the truth, or most of it.  Even if I'm speaking hopelessly into space... if it could all fade to black now...

Try teaching me the social skills I don't have!

The world is gray.  But does it ever go away? 

Forget everything else.

We were sitting in IHOP, and my mom says "how would you like another brother or sister?" And now that's nothing new, because she's idly speculated before. But this time she says they're considering adopting... she says she talked my step-father into it already and I'm like... woah.

It's like... look at this house. Look at all the money things. My mom's working 2 jobs AND going to school, and Georgie, who knows what his schedule is. Time? And then there's me, with all my issues. It's already not being solved.

But it would be nice to have someone to like... play with.

Am I jealous for attention? Oooh.

But if we do end up moving... I can't wait to get out of this scumhole. She's looking at the... ritzier neighborhoods. Where most of the houses are out of our price range. She just wants to be furrther from the neighbors, mostly. That would be nice...

Ugh, cosmic bowling. It's like the dumping ground of preteens by their parents. All the wannabe gangstas and the girls trying to look like... trailer trash, It's kind of depressing though... me. What's me.

But I swear, if I have to listen to one more song on The Fish... or one more crappy hiphop song. God kids are screwed up. I'd much rather bowl to Def Leopard than Ludacris. Godddddd. All of those songs sound the same. All of the videos look the same. Talk about bubble gum pop... little twiggy dudes dancing with a posse, throw in some scantily-clad... (what's a better term for the w word? Trying to keep it pg here...), talk about sex in vague but obvious terms (I wanna zoom zoom!), etc. There is no variety. And then when they were stupid enough to put on that PIMP song (and subsequently took it off after the first swear, but not before the naked chick), and you wonder how people get off scapegoating video games. But of course, the average American is of little intelligence and subsists off of scapegoats...

And they thought rock was the devil's work. HA! Give me some intelligent lyrics (preferably not always about sex or drugs), actual talent on the instruments (such as a killer screeching guitar solo), some creativity, some life... really, I'm surprised anyone remembers half those songs they played. I certainly didn't. They are still not worth remembering. And years later, unlike bands like Zepplin, nobody will remember them. And I'll never get what's so appealing. But I can say with certainty, the next generation of Americans is looking better than ever (note the sarcasm - but then again, it's been all downhill from the time we cooked up our cockneyed ideas of freedom).

And for goodness sake, pull your shirt down over your rolls of fat. Nobody wants to see that. Well, I suppose that's the only way girls these days can get "attention" I tell you what, this country is royally screwed up.

But I digress. Grades. Somehow I got a 3.75. In a way, I'm stunned. Considering I scored like an 82, an 80, and a 73 on the last 3 Japanese tests... but I'm highly disappointed that I got a B+ in my writing class. You labor so hard on something and somehow you get screwed. I can't forget the time she gave me a C on a "presentation". That was it. I did everything else, or so I thought... gah. That class was stressful, and I thought I was ok in it and I got screwed. Again because of SA. I can't even blame it on my stupidity. It's all back on being a freaking mute. I just want it all to end... all of it. The whole shebang (yet another annoying cliche). Just fade to black. No more ambition, no more trouble. Never moving forward so there will never be a past.

Something else that annoys me is when I do better than people on gameshows. It's like, that could be me. Except when it comes to quick thinking and remembering a la Jeopardy I always suck. My brain just doesn't work like it used to. I'm still trying to study though. Not that I think I have a chance of making it, let alone winning, but...

And ooh, I'm egalitarian or something. I can condense my day into one blog.

(And chocolate pancakes, mmm...)

One more thing, I hate these stupid regenerating spyware things hijacking my search :k:k:k 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

This is really lame. That's all. Nobody knows what I'm talking about, and that's the way it should be. Spamtastic!

I'm having fun just sitting around doing nothing... ok, I lie. I'm not having fun. I'm so tiiiiiired though. I go to bed at 2 and I wake up at 2 or so. Why am I so tired then? Me, I hate getting up late because it feels like I've wasted the day (even though I'd waste it anyway).

As predicted though I don't have the will to write or read or do much else. I only began recording trivia again today, and there I only got like 3 notecards worth. Hell I don't even have much of a desire to play the new Advance Wars game. Not gonna accomplish my goals, I can see. Wanted to make myself go outside and run, at least up the street, but it's not happening. Not much motivation in misery to go it alone.

My mom wants to move. Lmao. After she gets this disaster area clean. The dogs are bad enough, but then there's my sister. A Tasmanian devil. A cyclone. Gah. I've already knocked over her half-filled soda cans. As if stepping into a dog-wet slipper wasn't enough. It's like a 5-ring circus here. Speaking of the alien-girl, I had a chocolate bar for one day. I left it in my room for one day, and that Satan-spawn stole it. Good God.

I need it!

Idk what to say. What's with all the leaving drama? Ptah, I say.

Here we go though, hearing "are you coming to church with me" every week. And such. Pancakes. I'm out.

I had the strangest dream within the span of about two hours.  It was really long, and I don't remember a lot of it.

Well, I remember that somehow I killed someone by accident (involving glass I think) and I was so afraid to tell someone, so I hid it... and from that point on I suppose I unintentionally turned into a serial murderer of sorts... I just remember hiding wherever I could.  And nobody knew it was me.  A real-life Kira of sorts, only accidental.

So eventually I just felt so burdened that I said "to hell with it" and confessed (to my mother)... and then the police came with one of those padded wagon type cars like in the old cartoons... I was wearing a heavy full-body covering of some sorts.

And then I'm not quite sure what happened here, but then it went a little unrealistic.  My mom was holding my hand and she took me to this realm that had all my life rolled out in episodes, a la Christmas Carol.  And we were flying over all these connected episodes.  She showed me all these things... she showed me kind of the way people were reacting.  Everyone hated me... one newspaper had a quote headline from this person who said something like "I had six bullets in my gun.  If I had known it was him, I would have shot that son of a 817c# at Talawanda (real street at school... supposedly where schoolmatedude saw me).  And they were trying to track down my counselor (again, the one I actually had at school), you know, to ask questions and play the blame game and such like the media does in real life.  But he went into hiding.

But the real painful part was just realizing that everyone hated me.  Completely despised me, wished I was dead, etc (I would have done it myself, but, just like I couldn't tell, I couldn't bring myself to do it).  My mom said she should have known because of the way I retreated into my room and was quiet for hours.

And then we backed out.  She gave me a choice of where to go, but I just couldn't speak words.  I'm sure I could make meaningless noises.  She took me into the day I was born... I'm not sure what happened there, but at the end I think she said something about me wishing I had never been born, and we pulled out again.

And then we went into the future - the day of my death.  I was tied to an anchor (lol) or something in the featureless, grassy field on the blackest night without stars or the moon or any light.  And I had been hung there.

And then we pulled out again.  And she said it was time to give someone a visit.  We were in the real present.  I was in a cell in some sort of asylum (all the while in that heavy cover-up, mind).  And I could just hear how all the nurses hated me, from the way they talked openly somewhere down the hall to one singing about how it was "all a game" (how my actions were a game to me.  Nobody would just listen to me.)  And my mom was with me (visiting, still holding on to me) and she had someone unlock the cell.  And my mom took me across the hall, where there was this girl whose parents I killed.  I think I was screaming and such as she had grimly dragged me into the true present, as this visit would obviously be pure horror... but I woke up then.

There were many parts I didn't describe, like news and newspaper reports saying things like "___ man truly sorry for murders" or something (because I can't remember them well enough to do them justice or remember them at all).  When I woke up, I didn't scream or sit up quickly or anything.  I just kind of sat up slowly and was like "wow, that was some weird dream".  It's one of those times where you think, maybe these dreams to have meaning.  Personally, I'm a little skeptical, as we tend to get out of it what we put in, but they can have some real convenient timings.  I don't think I wrote about the time I was thinking about dying and then I actually had a dream where everyone thought I was dead and then I surprised them all by returning (conveniently having to see their reactions).  It was a deterrent, as this one was like a warning on the way my life is right now.  About being so immobilized by fear and whatnot.  Even if there is nothing I can do.

And last night I had some weird thing about being some sort of rodent or something and hiding in this meat factory or something owned by this dog and people were after us or something.  There was an indoor soccer field and game and stuff.

Yeah, I'm weird. 

Gone are the days of sleeping in till 11.  The insane what's-his-breed bird was screaming like crazy (I'm too beat to think hard let alone remember).

I also don't miss stepping in dog pee when I wake up.

Or the voice of my sister, which completely drowns out the tv.

The cat looks much darker.  Apparently Siamese get darker when they get older.  She is only a little more than a year old.  But she's overripe like a banana.

My mom yesterday, I'm holding one of the crabs (the one I'm still a little worried about, because his eyes are gray-ish and I never see him moving) and then she picks up the hairy one and drops him.  I just felt blank, maybe like a dropping elevator and all I said was "you killed him".  Luckily he seems to be ok.  I think he fell on the dog's tail, so his fall was broken a bit.  But wow, that would have been tough on me if anything had happened.  I know I'd forgive my mom immediately, though I'd be sad.  And on the other hand if it happened to me I'd completely beat myself up over it.

I feel like one of those people on those depression commercials, just sitting on an armchair staring out into space.

Nothing's ever gonna change.  I don't even know if I'm going to see anyone this summer.  I don't really feel that happy to be here.  Everything just seems so cold.  And lifeless.  What can I do?  They don't get it.  They think the medication or therapy or something will help.  All I can do is eat and sleep.  There isn't an energy or desire to do anything else.  I'm already dead.

What can I do but sit here alone day after day?

Only good part is at least we pick up Versus here.

(There doesn't seem to be any point to life.  Even if I was normal.  What makes life worthwhile?) 

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