Last Monday, I went to my first Networking class (group therapy).  I sat with a couple of people who were also attending the session.  I had a great time.  At the end of the session, I had a homework assignment.  I had to complete a survey of 137 questions about myself, and then I had to give another survey with 23 questions on it to three people I know and have them fill out the survey based on their observations of me.  I gave them to three co-workers.

First, I filled out the survey on myself.  When I completed the survey, based on my answers, it was determined that based on my experience, my talents are Mercy (compassion), Administration (manage), and Wisdom (apply truth practicaclly).  I then obtained the surveys from the three co-workers.  Based on their observations, my talents are Knowledge (to know), Hospitality (to love strangers), and Wisdom (apply truth practically).

The one that shocked me the most of the latter three was "hospitality", which literally means "to love strangers".  When I first saw that, as a person with Social Anxiety Disorder, I found that to be very ironic.  Based on how I interact with people when I am around people in my life, I was surprised they would say "hospitality", because I keep my life very guarded.  The only time I am "hospitable" is when I am on the Social Anxiety Chat or on this website.

But, obviously, that was the point of the survey, to take a good look at myself through the eyes of others.  Even though I don't show it to them, they still see it.

0 comments View Entry

Now that things are starting to calm down at work, my boss wanted me to take the weekend off and recharge.  Well, since I finally had Saturday off, I decided to do something that I hadn't done since November 2003, spend the day in Kansas City.

Five years ago, when I worked for Sprint, Overland Park, Kansas, was a hustling and bustling place.  I had a great time.  I was surrounded by co-workers who were also in their 20s and 30s.  The local mall, the Leawood Town Center, was hustling and bustling with Gen Xers.  I would go to the Great Mall of the Great Plains in Olathe, and all of the stalls were filled with stores.  Every week, I would go to a local steakhouse and have a delicious steak.  Life in Kansas City looked new and fresh, it was exciting times.

That was 2003.  After Sprint purchased Nextel in 2003, over the next two years, Sprint consolidated a lot of its operations and moved its technical operations its Overland Park headquarters.  However, Sprint also laid off enough people to affect 15% of the Kansas City Metropoltan Area directly.

When I returned to Overland Park yesterday, I saw a very different Overland Park than I saw five years ago.  The Leawood Town Center was dead.  The Sprint Campus was still there.  I drove by my old apartment, and it was under new management.  I drove around, and I saw that many stores were closed up and many buildings were empty.  It looked very old, very cold, very stale.

I went to the Great Mall of the Great Plains, and I observed that the parking lot was empty, and that it only had half the stores it used to.

After I went to the Great Mall, I went to Dick's Sporting Goods in the Leawood Town Center.  Five years ago, the same building was Galyan's Sporting Goods.  I then went over to the steakhouse I used to eat.  The restaurant was dead.  I went in and had lunch, a nice Kansas City Strip steak.  As I was looking around in the restaurant, it occurred to me that a lot of the money that was flowing in the area 5 years ago was all of the high tech money that Sprint brought into Kansas City.  And when Sprint got rid of the 20-somethings and 30-somethings, so did all the money, and now what I was seeing was a shell of its former self.

When I moved to Columbia in August of 2003 after being laid off by Sprint, I wondered if I wasmaking a mistake moving from Kansas City to Columbia, Missouri.  After being in Kansas CIty yesterday, I came to the conclusion that I made the right decision.

2 comments View Entry

Well, a new year is finally upon us.  Looking back at my life over the last year, if you would have told me one year ago all of the changes that would occur in my life the next year, I would not have believed you.  Yet, here I am, at the end of the year, amazed about all of the changes that have occurred in my life, the weight loss, the progression of overcoming of my over 30-year battle with Social Anxiety Disorder, the healing of relations with my father and paternal grandmother, is making me eagerly look forward to all of the events that will occur in 2008.

My New Year’s Resolution for 2008 is two simple words…”Keep Moving.”

Our lives consist of four stages of development.  In our childhood and adolescent years, we try to develop and define a “Mission” for our lives.  How many times has a child been asked the age-old question “So, what do you want to be when you grow up?”  Young people are always exploring and discovering their world and trying to develop and refine their personal Mission statement by the time they enter high school.

Once a young person has their Mission statement developed, or knows what they want to do with their life, they enter the next stage of development, “Movement”.  This is the stage where the process begins of making the dream or Mission statement a reality.  A lot of changes happen in a person’s life from high school until they graduate from college, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  The person moves from the immaturity of childhood to the maturity of adulthood.  Sure, they may adjust their Mission statement, but their desire or focus is to achieve their Mission statement.

Once a person has arrived at the destination they wanted to achieve, they will be strongly tempted to enter the next stage of development, “Machine”.  This is the stage where you start setting up the organizational structure, securing the foundation, and minimizing the risk in your life to prevent losing everything that you gained.  And, to survive, you do need to establish a secure foundation for yourself.  The problem is, at this point, if you switch from an offensive-minded role to a defensive-minded role, that is where the danger lies.  You will often hear the “Machine” stage as “job security”, “complacency”, or “life in a rut”.  Once in a defensive-minded role, you end up doing the same thing over and over again, just like a machine on an assembly line.  As a result, if you do this too long, your life slowly falls apart, and you start to go downhill.  Take it from me, I have been in this position several times in my life, where complacency has set in, and I have fallen apart.

If you don’t do something about it, you will enter the last phase of development, “Monument”.  This is the point where people either look back at their lives with regret, or try some “revisionist history” to correct the mistakes they made in the past.  These people tend to be “legends in their own minds”.  You see this all the time.  In your community, there is probably a local high school or college sports star that owns a bar and always tries to relive the “glory years”.  Or, you see it in the entertainment industry with childhood stars that are now grown up who are trying to hold on to and capitalize on their childhood notoriety, only to fall flat on their faces time and time again.  Sadly, at the end of the “Momument” phase comes a physical monument, a tombstone.

To be truly successful in life, the peak time is at the beginning of the “Machine” phase.  But, once you have that foundation in place, you need to revise your “Mission”, and make the “Movement” to the next goal.  The problem is this takes a great deal of risk.  In order to grow in life, you have to take risk.  Don’t take foolish risks, but take calculated risks.  A lot of people see the accomplishment of their first Mission and feel they don’t have to risk anymore, or else, they will risk losing what they have already achieved.  To be truly successful in life, you have to take that risk to move forward.  One person could ask, “How do I know when I am successful?”  In this model, you technically will never know when you are successful, because you will not be satisfied with all that you have achieved, and you will always want to achieve more.

If there is one wish I have for all of you, is to include in your list of New Year’s Resolutions one more resolution:  “In my life, S.A.D. will be at the end of the line by 2009.”  If you want to end Social Anxiety Disorder in your life, you need to commit this Mission statement in your mind and start moving toward this goal next year.  You will have to take some risks along the way, but it is very important that you do take those risks.  Whether you decide on taking meds, cognitive behavioral therapy, support, or any combination thereof, do this for yourself, so you don’t end up a “Monument” in your life.

0 comments View Entry

Well, tonight, I had another first.  I met with the Pastoral Resources Director of the church I have been attending the past few months.  We had a one-on-one conversation for about an hour.

During the conversation, he asked me about my "life story".  I proceeded to tell him about my Social Anxiety Disorder, the lack of my father growing up, the betrayal of my trust by my parents and my friends, my two failed suicide attempts, my nervous breakdown when I graduated from college, my "alternate reality" that I lived in for 12 years, and now the changes in my life, including losing 75 pounds this year, discovering the answer to my Social Anxiety problems, and my psychological treatments, and trying to discover what my purpose in life really is.

He understood completely about my situation, he told me that I was "gunshy" being bit by the same snake twice, and he understood what it was like to live in a shell.  After all, he was a guy attending university in the United States when he was told in 1979 he could never go back to his home in Iran. 

What he said next to me had me holding back the tears.  He said to me "You're courageous!"  This is the first time in my life that somebody had called me courageous.  I had been called many times in my life a loser, a failure, a wimp, a fag, and I had lived in adversity, fear, rejection, and failure. 

Through all that, I had the courage to recognize it, do something about it, and rise above it.  And I was being down on myself for hitting rock bottom in the first place, when it actually took a lot of courage to rise out from that rock bottom place and feel good about myself again.

I was courageous in the fact that despite all of the nay-sayers, I managed to prove them wrong, and I could make something of myself.

0 comments View Entry

This has been a big week in terms of my Social Anxiety.  First of all, I completed my goal of losing 70 pounds.  Second, I met with my therapist on Tuesday and he informed me that he has seen tremendous progress in my condition and that I need to start reducing the frequency that I visit him.  Third, I registered for a class group at the church I am now attending that begins September 24.  Also, this last Friday, I finally had the confidence to finally stand up to my boss.

What I discovered this weekend, with the help of my therapist and the therapy I am receiving, is that I have come to a major fork in the road of my life.  For the past couple of years, I have been standing at this fork, being absolutely afraid of making a choice on which path to go down.  As a result, my life hasn’t changed.  But, I realize that now, in order to truly have the “New Life” I have always dreamed about, I have to quit dreaming about it and make it happen in my life.

I am afraid that I will make the wrong decision, as I mentioned in an earlier blog, I am afraid of failure.  As Yogi Berra once said, “If you see a fork in the road, take it!”  It doesn’t matter if it is the right decision or the wrong decision, it’s a decision, and that is more important than no decision at all.  And I need to have the courage to take the risk and take the first step down the path I choose to take.

I have had a dream lately where I am a CIO for a small to mid-size law firm.  It is time for me to stop dreaming, come out of my shell, take the biggest risk in my life, and create a “New Life”.

2 comments View Entry

Well, I did something today for the first time in my life.  In yesterday's blog, I pointed out the fact that I have never met any of my neighbors. 

Well, that streak ended today.  After I got off work, I knocked on my neighbors' door and I formally introduced myself to them.

In addition, I celebrated another milestone in my battle of the bulge.  I have now lost 70 pounds since I first went on my diet.  I now weigh 170 pounds.

2 comments View Entry

“When you are in the midst of failure, you have to be honest with yourself on why you are failing, or you are going to continue to fail.  The same holds true with success, you have to be honest with yourself on why you are succeeding, or you are going to fail.”  -- Rush Limbaugh

On a job interview over four years ago, one of the questions that was asked was where I wanted to be in three to five years.  I had stated that I wanted to be an IT project manager.  Four years later, I am now in the middle of the three to five year window, and I have not advanced.  In fact, when I evaluated my career to this point, I noticed that my job description hasn’t changed since I joined the professional workforce almost 12 years ago.

I kept blaming my bosses, or the situation I was living in, or my work environment, or having “stuck-up” neighbors, or being used by my friends, and still my life never changed.  When I originally moved to Kansas City, I was hoping that this move would be a new life for me.  I even changed my screen name to NewLifeInKC to reflect the new environment.  When I moved to Columbia almost a year later, I dropped the “InKC” and became simply “NewLife”.  But, I have come to the realization that moving to new locations didn’t correct the issue I was having.  The only common factors throughout my almost 12-year career is me and my job description.

I have always been afraid of putting a portfolio of my work on my website because I am afraid that somebody would steal them.  I tend to “undersell” myself because I only want to mention the skills that I have absolutely nailed down without “stretching the truth”.  As a result, according to headhunters and former bosses I have spoken with, since most other resumes have a “fudge factor” within them, many job interviewers subtract then fudge factor when they look at job prospects.  As a result, I look under-qualified, which is why I always end up in the same position.

I have always wanted to be a manager.  But, I have come to the realization that managers have seen that I have not seen, that the first person I need to manage is myself, and I have done a bad job.  And it is unequivocally, undoubtedly, and completely my fault.  As I stated in a previous blog, “nothing changes if nothing changes”.  While my external environments have changed, my internal environment has not.  Even though I have lost almost 70 pounds this year, I am still personally in the same “rut”.  Why should my managers believe in me when, at times, I have a hard time believing in myself.

I have been listening to audio books from Zig Ziglar and Dale Carnegie.  One of the things they mention is that you have to take responsibility for your own life.  And for me blaming others is not very responsible.  The road to success starts by saying four simple words:  I AM A FAILURE.

2 comments View Entry

Last week, I did the following things for the first time in my life:

• I added four states to the list of states I have been too:  Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, and North Carolina.  My total is now up to 34 states.
• I saw the Atlantic Ocean in Brunswick, GA.
• The first time I have spent the night on an island at Hilton Head Island, SC.
• My first sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean at Hilton Head Island, SC.
• My first cruise in a ocean-going fishing vessel, the Gypsy.
• My first view of dolphins in the wild.
• My first visit to a lighthouse.  I climbed to the top of the lighthouse.

2 comments View Entry

Growing up as a teenager in California, I lived one block off the Pacific Coast Highway. My parents used to go to the beach and walk all the time. In the beginning, I enjoyed going to the beach. After a while though, it started getting old, and eventually, I didn’t want to go to the beach. The last time I saw the Pacific Ocean and the beach was July of 1991.

This last week, August of 2007, I went to the Atlantic Ocean for the first time in my life, and for the first time in 16 years, I went to the beach. I wanted to go with renewed interest.

Sometimes, you just don’t know what you have until you don’t have it anymore. I always took for granted that the Pacific Ocean was just a couple of miles away and that I could always see it daily (as long as it was clear).

I went to a conference on Hilton Head Island with someone that the largest body of water they had been in prior to the Atlantic Ocean was Lake of the Ozarks. Other people in our group had never seen the ocean before. For them, it was an amazing experience to stare across a body of water and not see the other side. It made me feel that actually I was very lucky to have had the pleasure on living on the West Coast, and it wasn’t until the trip to the East Coast that I realized how special it really is to have an opportunity to see the ocean.

While walking the beaches along the Pacific Ocean, I saw many a sunset. Now, I had a new opportunity. The first day I was there, Monday morning, I woke up and walked out onto the beach and headed for the easternmost point on Hilton Head Island. There, I watched a sunrise out of the Atlantic Ocean.

The theme of the conference was “Experience the Edge”. The meaning was to experience the edge of technology at the edge of the United States. But, to extend the meaning even further, at the edge of our life.

1 comments View Entry