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-He dare not come in company, for here he should be misused, disgraced, overshoot himself in gesture or speeches or be sick; he thinks everyman observes him.
~Richard Burton
-Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
~Albert Camus
-If you are physically sick, you can elicit the interest of a battery of physicians; but if you are mentally sick, you are lucky if the janitor comes around.
~Martin H. Fischer
-People become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the burdens are attached to them.
~George Bernard Shaw
-If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.
~Don Herold
-A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of sheer hard work.
~John Lubbock
-Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people.
~André Dubus
-Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
~Lucius Annaeus Seneca
-It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.
~Sally Kempton
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Your Social Anxiety Level: 100%
You have extreme social anxiety.
Your social phobia is a serious problem for you, and you definitely need help.
And while getting help may seem very scary, it's your only choice... except for hermitude!
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Hey, my names Clayton and I'm from Manchester, England. I'd say I've had a very severe and extreme form of Social Anxiety Disorder for 5 years now since I was 16. Prior to that i had many friends, a girlfriend, was very sociable, outgoing and confident. At times i was very loud and even arrogant! so I've no clue where this disorder appeared from. I've also developed Clinical Depression, Agoraphobia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Body dysmorphic disorder! and god knows what else i have, lol what a beautiful life this is!!
At my lowest point from 16 to 19 I couldn't even answer the door or phone, visit a chatroom or look out the window! I would spend all my time in my room doing literally nothing or crying and I began talking to myself for long periods and making weird sounds- I was going insane, only leaving to visit the bathroom or eat. Sometimes I wouldn't leave the house for months at a time. Academically I'm bright but it made me sink so low the only job I took was cleaning public toilets so I wouldn't have to deal with colleagues or a normal work environment. I felt very isolated, and lonely, I was a loner. My imagination was my only friend I wanted to be 'normal' soo badly, I envied every single person walking the street. I had and have clinical depression and stress and was self-harming. I left the house once every two months which was a nightmare- if I ever did go out it was just to remind myself there was nothing to be afraid of as I had no where to go, I knew rationally no one cared and no one was evaluating me or being critical. I had to be very drunk in order to leave the house, It would take me at least an hour to find something 'suitable' to wear outside, then I would iron it until it was immaculate, then it would take me like forty minutes to gel my hair and I would usually get changed 3 or 4 times. If I went out sober I had to chew gum just to stop myself from having a seizure at least it felt like that! I was soo stiff. I would pretend to be talking on the phone just to look occupied coz I just couldn't simply walk and do 'nothing' as ridiculous as it may sound. I didn't even know what expression to put on! sometimes I couldn't even walk properly coz of my SA! the irrational side of my brain would tell me again and again 'EVERYONES LOOKING AT U! and I would look everyone walking by in the eye to see if they were looking at me and usually they would have a glimpse (like everyone does with everyone no one thinks twice about it) I knew that then as well but still as soon as I had eye contact with the person about to walk by me it felt like they had put a gun to my face, my face would feel as though it was on fire! I felt soo humiliated, hidious and absolutely petrified! then as the person walked by I would think 'what are they thinking of me now', 'they must think am a freak', 'I bet they still have me on their mind thinking am really odd' and this was what it was like with every single person walking by and in cars and buses etc. Going to a shop was a nightmare, standing in queue, boarding a bus; (i was completely paralysed when i was in a bus..this is where i had most of my severe panick attacks), it was such a hassle. I felt people were watching all around me- 360 degrees, if they was a person behind me a dozen thoughts would go through my mind in quick succession: what is he thinking, can he tell something's wrong with me yet?, how am I being perceived?, do I look stiff, do I look casual? do I look nervous? more then anything I didn't want them to know I was afraid. I would twitch my facial muscles excessively especially when I was in public like in buses I looked like a right weirdo lol. If someone approached me.. I felt like an alien to people, i just felt sick.. i basically put on a huge act which never worked, while they were talking i would pretend to nod and anything else to seem casual.. i could never listen to what they were saying coz i was in my own hell.. while they were talking i would ask myself; 'can he tell somthings wrong with me?', i would become extremely self-consious, i would ask myself; 'what does my face look like to him?', 'does he know?' Not for one second was I ever relaxed, I couldn't 'take it easy' was always on 'high alert'. I had literally no friends, I longed for a friend just one person to talk to coz I was so lonely, but I knew even if I had friends I could never see them because of my SA. I was a normal friendly fun person who could hold a decent conversation but speaking to someone was out of the question it was too difficult, I just couldn't do it. I felt there was no one who would ever understand me, I kept everything bottled up inside. (Btw am typing in past tense but its still all pretty much the same..)
When I was 18 my SA had improved i have no idea how! so I decided to join the Marines to face my fears head on, which actually helped a huge deal, it was exposure therapy. I stayed for the duration of training which was 8 months..but as soon as i left the military and decided to go to university and was back on civvystreet my SA was back at its peak and I couldn't leave the house, eventually I was housebound yet again, I couldn't even go to the shop to buy myself food! I lived of bread and water for over a month, not leaving the house at all, unable to answer the door, that was the worse point for me, eventually my landlord evicted me coz I didn't have the funds to pay the rent. I remember him coming to the flat with police officers as I refused to leave coz of my SA and asking me to leave I packed my suitcase with no where to go I was on the street and my SA was at its worst point ever. I couldn't even stand straight I was shaking and sweating and stumbling and I kept vomiting that's when I first tried committing suicide. Prior to overdosing I went to a hospital in desperation of help I was crying and just wanted someone to help me or take me to a mental asylum. I told them I was going to kill myself but they told me to leave and go see my GP. I was 'dead' for 7 minutes. I remember a psychiatrist coming in to see me, at the hospital a week later, I told him everything that had happened, and after I'd been in a fuckin coma he said; its 'just' a phobia, we deal with mental issues not phobias, your just shy, you'll get over it, he kept saying 'don't be silly' and he told me to go and see a GP and talk to him. That's when i realised you can only help yourself, no one can help you.
The focus of my anxiety is simply being outdoors, i.e. when I go to my back garden for a cigarette, as am putting on my jacket the anxiety level basically hits the roof- I can LITERALLY hear my heart beating, am sweating, and I get dizzy, then when am outside am shaking and trembling, am disoriented every gesture i make is pre-thought of, like a scratch of the chin or a rub on the back etc jus to try and seem casual to an onlooker, I basically feel as though am waiting in line ready to be executed by a firing squad! my guts are twisted inside out with FEAR! All of this only because there's a window just one window overlooking my garden and the thought that someone could be there watching kills me. I feel frightened, vulnerable and humiliated. I really can't put it into words. I'm scared because I feel they can see how petrified I am. and they will think am a weirdo and judge me, the rational side of my brain knows its just not true. SA just takes control as soon as I step outside even if the roads are deserted and no ones about, like i switch to auto-pilot, fuckin possessed by this bitch. A simple 5 minute trip to the local shop is like going to war for me, as soon as i know i have to go to the shop i feel like a prisoner who's just been sentenced to death! so many horrible thoughts run through my head; im sweating and shivering at the same time.. then when im outside.. i've described what thats like.. and then i have to deal with the aftermath when i get back home; who so me, do they still have me on my mind, what did they think of me?, this is when the embaressment kicks in. There's also been times where I've been ill sometimes very ill and haven't been able to go to a doctor coz of SA, twice I've needed stitches but haven't been to the hospital and needed fillings and haven't been able to go to the dentist! at the moment I've got a wisdom tooth growing which is causing me soo much agony but I can't go to the damn dentist!
One thing I just don't understand is if I KNOW its all fake, know its all a mind game, I live in my own fuckin world, like an illusion I create myself- then why do I have this bitch
Nowadays my condition Is pretty much the same:( am trying to climb out of the shell I've been stuck in for so long, am currently undertaking a CBT audio series by doctor Richards.
I think I need to stop dwelling over my past and feeling sorry for myself, that leads to more depression and that's what ultimately makes my SA worse. Just gotta learn to live in the moment and think positive instead of what could have or would have been if this disorder never fuked my head up! I always wonder where my last girlfriend is, the last time I so her was when I lived in London we were 16 and had been together for about a year, I thought something was wrong with me back then but it was in the early stages. When I moved to Edinburgh shortly afterwards a full blown SA was in place it appeared instantly and I couldn't even phone my girlfriend, I wouldn't answer her calls. I wanted to talk to her so badly coz I missed and loved her so much. We were so close but I just couldn't do it.. it was so tough. Up until this day I've never spoken to her again.
I do believe I will beat this terrible illness and I have big ambitions that's what keeps me going, I hope to go to business school for three years then work on my own ventures and make money and just have friends, a girlfriend would be nice and just live a normal life..
Good luck to everyone! and keep the faith
Omar x
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UPDATE: This suffering is killing the little sanity I have left within me, I believe the day is close by where I'll tolerate this no more:( I'm just so soo desperate for a friend or just someone to talk to.. but even if I had a friend the irony is I could never see them coz of my anxiety:( i just can't function and im on the verge of insanity!
I'm housebound yet again and can't leave the house, the negative thinking is soo automatic! my body dysmorphic disorders getting worse, like I just can't stand the way I look, I've wrote down a detailed description of what features need work on (cosmetic surgery) and there like 10 in total! I try concentrating on CBT but its almost as though my BDD is telling me that 'nothing is going to work unless you alter your facial features first', I've become obsessed with this.
I'm going to apply for a loan, get the surgery done then go to america, god knows what i'll do there. Its gotten so bad that i can honestly say i'd rather be homeless, depressed, have crippling SA but look 'good' as opposed to being happy, no SA but looking the way i do now. If it doesn't work out there which it probebly won't, i will kill myself without a doubt, thats partially the reason im getting surgery; i couldn't kill myself as much as i wanted to looking 'ugly' hence the surgery, i've just given up now, i can't take this no more.. the mental toture is beyond words, there times where im just banging the walls, screaming, going insane and lately ive been geting excruciating headaches which r so painful i collapse, all on a daily basis!
UPDATE 2 (08.21.08)
My BDD is now unbearable im obsessed with plastic surgery, its the only thing that keeps me going, i was working last week and between working hours i went for a haircut and returned to work and looked in the mirror and felt sick, i looked hidious i went to the toilet and began crying, i knew i wouldn't be able to return to work the next day and i had been working at that hell for the past 6 months so i could save for the surgery, so i knew i wouldn't be able to return to work if i left, and i'd be back to square 1 in my room housebound again, so in sheer desperation i took the cash out of the cash registers and ran.. if i had waited a week i could have taken 7000 without any risk and no CCTV footage but i was so 'out of it' that i just took what ever was there with my supervisor in the back, i made it to the airport, i knew i could afford 2 out of the 11 procedures i wanted done, i thought that would have to do for now.. but then i realised i'd left my passport at home:( blahhh so i raced home and by then cops had taken the passport, at that point i was suicidal i slit my wrists and tried slitting my throat but couldn't because of the pain in my wrists but i kept trying until the cops arrived and took me to the hospital and then later sent me to a psychiatric institute.
UPDATE 3 (09.05.08)
Wow i've drastically improved.. Im seeing a Psychologist, doing an audio CBT series and taking medication. Im also back on a strict diet and fitness regime..
Diamond you've gotten me through soo much your my strength, the love of my life i love u so much and can't wait to see you this Febuary MMWWWAHHH!
*Squeezes Diamond*
