yea...

iono why my laptop is doing this,

but my font and format is messed up,

i think i have a virus iono...

but anyways glad to help,

later skater!! :D

~Dennis

Hmm...

I think John's gotta point here, it may be
because of the sa, but after taking some steps recently to pursue a career in
law enforcement, I'm pretty sure I can narrow this situation down to 3 likely possibilities....

1. I understand that sometimes people can make
excuses as a defense mechanism to avoid their phobias, like being scared of
heights for example, let’s say one's friends are going sky diving and they
invite that person to tag along, in that person's head they know that they have
a phobia of heights, so as a form of coping with this fear they may say,
"oh, umm I have to go on this day, around this time, and I only can pay
this much to go skydiving with you guys," In their case it seems like they
are creating such a narrow list of what they think is needed in a skydive that
it becomes impossible for them to go through with it, thus saving themselves
from the fear of heights or in your case friendships...

2. Here is a second, much more abstract view, the excuses or problems which
arise in one's interactions with people can also be seen as a form of
maintaining their ego as well, let’s say that for instance one may try to make
friends with someone, but they didn't get along as well as that person hoped,
so they would feel bad about this situation, as if it were a form of rejection,
naturally the normal human reaction would be to protect oneself from getting
injured, "the fight or flight response," instead of running away as the
victim who becomes injured emotionally from this situation, one may choose to
instead of running or risk getting injured emotionally, to go on the offensive/
fight back and say it was the other person who was at fault as a way to
maintain the ego,

3. The final possibility is the most difficult one to understand, however it
is also the most likely in these types of situations... One may also form an
alibi or a separate world in their mind, where that person's view of reality
isn't as clear or subjective as what is actually going on in reality, in my psyche
classes we learned that Freud had these theories about people who often created
these separate views of themselves and their surroundings, as a form of
rationalization of something they know that isn't right, like career criminals
who may have addictions to stealing or murder... they do understand that what
they do is wrong, but at the same time they rationalize or in a sense lie to
themselves that stealing is ok, because they have no other options to survive,
or in terms of murder, they may create another lie or distortion regarding how
the people they murder deserve to be victimized for a superficial reasoning or
something, when of course this isn't the case.  

So in terms of what seems to be going on with you, it may be a combination
of all three, you might be creating this separate view in your head, the
"its them not me," type of ideology to protect yourself from a
possibly scary/ phobic situation, or even as a form of justification to tell
yourself that they are the ones whom are un-relatable, not yourself... My
advice to you is that people are different, there never are "perfect
friendships" it’s impossible because of how diverse all of our backgrounds
and experiences have been, which shapes us into different people... Try to
embrace this diversity about these friends you wish to have, learn about them,
and try to place yourself in their shoes, which will allow you to see the
upside in them, I think that the key issue in your case appears to be that you
seem to want to be their friends, but at the same time you are afraid of
getting rejected by them, so you self sabotage these relationships so that you
may gain control over an uncontrollable situation, even if it means tanking in
the social department... this sense of control in the friendship gives you
comfort over protecting yourself from maybe some past experiences that hurt
you... Remember that the key in your situation is to go into to these
friendships with an open heart, burst through these self defense barriers you
have developed over the last few years, and try to forget about what may have happened
to you in the past... then and only then will the chances of success become
even greater. I really hope you don't take this advice I'm giving you lightly,
because I know this can help you out if you truly think about what I'm saying,
anyways if you need anything else you know where to find me, later skaters!!

~Dennis 

Maybe you'll get used to it one day

Maybe this is another symptom of SA. Some days I am
out going and other times I wish I was invisible. Those days if I do try and
make small talk I feel as if the other people can see the insincerity on my
part. Sometimes I feel anger toward non SA’ers. I don’t understand why.