Why is it so freakin hard to be the person that you want to be? I'm not sure how to do it.

Today, I went to work during the day, and I'm used to working by myself after hours. All 3 of my coworkers are there, and I'm walking back and forth through the shop, feeling very self-conscious. I feel so insecure, fat, ugly, and just plain weird. My friend Mark is there, and he's using the sink, which I needed to use also. So I walked over and he asked how I was... and then I mentioned something about it being hot today... then he mentioned he'd met my Uncle and Aunt today, then said something I didn't quite catch. So I said "huh?", and he's like, 'nothing, I'm just mumbling.' So that was pretty much the end of that conversation. Thing is, I try so hard to appear comfortable and smile a lot when I talk to people that I know pretty well, even if I don't feel that way. I think I try so hard to, and I do believe I succeed, but I think it somehow makes Mark a little... thrown off. He's known me for a long time, and sometimes I'm completely shut down socially... while other times (especially when I'm on medication), I'm all smiley and upbeat. I mean it feels good to be that way, but for some reason, I don't think it's a positive approach to take with people all the time. I want to have a sense of normalcy, being in a place where, yeah, there are problems in the world and in my life, but at the same time, it's OK b/c there's good things too... But I can't find that middle ground between being overwhelmed by problems, or trying to forget they exist.

Today I was taking an interest in Mark, and just asking questions and trying to converse, but he seems uncomfortable if I'm asking too many questions. I would say he definitely doesn't have SAD, but he has his insecurity issues. And he can be a little shy when questioned, apparently especially by someone whose all cheery and upbeat, like I try to be. I don't know why I'm making him uncomfortable. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I definitely don't feel flirtatious at all. I think of him only as a friend, which is not hard to do since I've known him basically my whole life. It's just that you do tend to take more of an interest in people who you consider to be your friends, but he seems to only want to REALLY talk to me when I'm more interested in whatever it is I'm doing, and just kinda talking to him on the side. Rather than having a full-on, face-to-face conversation. He might just be one of those people whose uncomfortable in one-on-one interaction... b/c he's really outgoing when he's in front of a group of people. But get him into a conversation with one person, and I think he tends to be a bit shyer.

Anyhow, since I didn't feel like the conversation went well, I kind of just went about my business quietly and avoided eye contact with anyone thereafter. Then Glen, another guy at the shop, said really really loud to Mark, something about a "beautiful woman" being around. Now, there's no other women around besides me, and I got the feeling he said it so loud so that I would hear. Which made me wonder if he was saying it to like give me a boost or something, since I walk around with my head down and act all insecure. I hope that's not me being vain, it could have had nOTHING to do with me... he could have been talking about the singer on the radio or something, IDK. It's just that I did my makeup today and put on more flattering clothes than I normally wear to work... but I couldn't bring myself to look up and see if he was looking at me. But I fear that by walking around all lowly and stuff, I draw attn to myself, which is exactly the opposite of what I want to do. I want to blend into the scenery, and not be noticed. It's like, if you look bad, like you don't take care of yourself at all, you can get negative attn. If you look good though, you also draw attn to yourself, albeit positive... then you feel like the longer someone looks at you (for whatever reason) the more likely they are to find your flaws, or you to make a fool out of yourself. I'm really rambling here, but I haven't written a blog in over a month...

What I can't seem to figure out, is how NOT to draw attn to myself. I don't want people around me looking down on me for sure, but I also don't want them to feel the need to try to 'lift me up' because I'm too down on myself. You can be down on yourself and feel really negatively toward the people around you, which turns them off and they don't want to talk to you. OR, you can be down on yourself, and feel more positive toward the people around you, really like an extreme meekness in portraying your accepted belief that they're all better than you. Either way, when I'm around people in either one of these modes, extreme discomfort and anxiety inevitably ensues. I can't seem to get around it. But I guess that is just the nature of the SA beast. Why can't I figure this out? Practice does NOT make perfect. The more I try, the less confident I feel, and the more anxiety I have. But I don't want to be a recluse. I want to be able to get a normal job, and one that I can enjoy.

I've heard it said that people in general will treat you the way you 'ask' to be treated, by the 'vibes' or whatever you're putting out. I want to be a person who others can respect, rather than having them put off by my negativity, or conversely, feeling the need to make me feel better about myself. Ech... I just don't want to have the focus on me!

Tags: Insecure Conversation Coworkers Attention

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