I always knew I was different. I'm biracial, gay and I have sad, so I guess you could say I got a triple whammy.Even when I was really little I knew I wasn't a big fan of crowds or large noisy social events. I remember when I was about 5 yrs old, my mom signed me up for this "kids modern dance group." At one point we had a recital and everyone had to go on stage and perform. The day of the recital, I had diarrhea from the time I woke up, I also couldn't eat and I literally had the urge to vomit every couple minutes. By the time we got to the recital hall I was a mess. I just remember sitting in a corner sweating with fear. I wondered why the other kids looked so happy and excited. When it was my turn to perform, well I don't actually remember what I did. I just remember feeling really spacey like it was someone else on stage and I remember that I hated modern dance and never wanted to do it again, which by the way I never did. I've always been an introvert and I'm perfectly happy watching a movie by myself or just thinking my own thoughts. Sure I had friends when I was little and all through middle school and high school. I've heard people say on the message board here,that at a certain point they lost their self esteem or they never really had alot of it to begin with. My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and my father was cold and distant. They were both very hard to please and were very judgemental. As I said before I had friends, but I was never a social "go getter". Many times I felt very alone and like a failure. I had always had trouble making friends and I always wondered how people did it. It seemed so easy for them to make friends and find people to hang out with. It almost seemed as though they had some magic potion or they had taken some class (that I had obviously missed) on how to make friends. When I was 20 yrs old I moved out of my parents house. It would take me years to realize that my parents were a huge problem for me emotionally. Being away from them was life saving. I met my first girlfriend around then and we were together for over 2 years. We broke up when she decided to move to CA to pursue a masters degree. At the time we both weren't really out, and her parents were strict catholics. I think we both knew it was really the only way for her to be free. After she left, I began to think of things I had never thought of before. I had always wanted to travel, but of course I was scared shitless. Traveling to a place I didn't know, wide-open spaces, large crowds..YIKES!!!! But I did it. Don't ask me how , but I did. A year later I was on a plane to London. Yep, one of the largest cities in the world, wide-open spaces large crowds...YIKES!!! I got there in the afternoon and my room at the hotel I was staying at wasn't ready so I took a chance and went walking. Hyde Park was just around the corner and so was a Chinese restaurant so I got some Chinese take-away and started to walk around Hyde Park. It was  mid-Sept., sunny, 70 degrees, and the leaves on all the trees were just starting to change color-beautiful. And then it hit me, Hyde Park literally started to spin, I started to hyperventilate and people started to stare. I sat down on a bench sweating and confused a couple people asked if I was ok. I'm pretty sure I said yes and tried to pull myself together. I have never had one before or since, but I believe I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. I felt like was going to die and at one point I was so embarrassed that I felt like I wanted to die, but truthfully nothing really happened to me and thats when I realized I could hadle it. No I didn't magically become some "social butterfly"  and fly off into the sunset, but like Stella, I did get a little of my groove back. The rest of my trip went pretty smoothly and I had a great time. A couple months later I had a chance to go to the Cleveland (thats where I'm orginally from) International Film Festival for free, because my boss's law firm was helping sponsor the festival and could get free tickets to any of the shows. Now I had always wanted to go to the festival, but the crowds scared the crap out of me. Again, I don't know what came over me, but I got some tickets and went. Of course, I went after the movie had started so I could sneak in and grab the first seat I laid eyes on, but still I was proud of myself. I also worked up the courage to join a soccer league that played on Sundays. I didn't really make any friends there, because I was kind of quiet, but I did have fun and the people on my team were nice. Flash foward a couple of years- I decided to go to college for the first time ever. This was a pretty big step for me and it turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. This was a two year college and since I was majoring in Anthropology/East Asian studies I would have to transfer to a 4yr university. I had never really given much thought to moving out of state, but I had seen an article about UMass Boston and was intrigued. I went for a visit, and fell in love with the school. This is definitely one of the most diverse universities in the country. There are different races, ethnic groups nationalities and age groups that attend this school. I love the professors, they are truly inspirational and really take the time to help you get to where you need to go. On top of that, I am finally completely 100% out here in Boston. Well lets face it you really can't live in one of the gayest areas of the US and not be out, ya know. No, I'm still not a "social butterfly" and it's still hard at times to make friends and there are places I will not step foot in, like dance clubs and generally large noisy areas with a crap load of people. Which can be difficult at times when you live in a city. I do run an lgbt meetup group here in Boston, can you believe it??!!! I have told the group that I don't like large noisy places and would like to keep our events low key. No one seems to mind and some are happy, because they were getting sick of clubs, bars etc... as well. I just wanted to get this off my chest. I know many people on this site are in different stages of sad, but I hope this gives everyone a peak at the light at the end of the tunnel, in your own time some of you will reach it-Stephie

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