Ok... third time typing this out. Hopefully it doesn't delete itself again.
How come every time I innocently go out I end up in a big commotion? Logically I should be afraid of going out.
Upping the dosage of Seroquel... yeah. I was passed out on the couch for like 12+ hours. I woke up at like 8 and ate and fell back asleep. Was groggy long after that. Unfortunately my mom had to drag me to her review at Penny's. Instead of going to the music store or game store I followed. There was a little side room with a couch and stuff.
I guess I fell asleep. I must have been some sight, with my feet on the floor and me face-down on the couch. Next thing I know some security guy is calling the paramedics because I couldn't talk. A bunch of them come in with a stretcher, asking me questions, taking my blood pressure and stuff. How when you don't make conversation they talk about you and you feel like an object - I know what a more mentally challenged person must hear on a daily basis. Eventually they had to forcibly put me on the stretcher. Isn't easy resisting several grown men ;) They had to take my feet out from under the stretcher and lift me up. I guess at first they thought I had a seizure, then they thought I might have wandered away from my parents or escaped from some place called Deepwood, which I assume is a place for the "mentally challenged".
So embarrassingly they carry me through the store and into a waiting ambulance. I had tried to signal that my mom was in there but eventually I had to write it out. After a while my mom comes and they let me go. Lol. But you think of how easily all of this could have been avoided... I hate myself so much. I want to die.
At least I got CDs and ice cream out of it ;)
But I saw the therapist today and she's turning me over to another one, reportedly a "creative" therapist of sorts. We'll see. Can't help but feel like I'm being tossed around with no end in sight. So fricking lonely. Every day is the same. I just want to pass away and fall through the walls of this prison. Every meaningless day... it doesn't get better. Don't say it will, because it won't. You can't really change what someone is. All I wanted was a normal life... such a piteous existance. It's like a curse on me that drives people away. Like I'm a hideous beast. Which I am. So it's not a surprise. But life isn't worth living. Not worth waking to pain every day. Even if nothing's on the other side. I just want to end it.
Like I said, I'll leave my life savings to whichever of you will take the liberty of killing me.
PS - Ana Ivanovic ;)
