I haven't been doing much these days. Go to work for a few hours after everyone leaves, sometimes. Go home and sit at the computer till dawn. Sleep all day. My parents keep urging me to come into work earlier, while there's still people there (eek!) I want to spend more time doing therapeutic, positive things... like go for walks, spend time cleaning, reading, cooking, playing my keyboard, doing the CBT homework... every day. Maybe even occasionally calling a friend and going out. I need to re-learn how to do basic taking-care-of-myself activities that I haven't been doing. I feel like all that stuff is important now and will maybe help me get out of this hole. So, working with people... I get panic attacks and can't stop crying, and don't have the energy or will to do any of those things.
Still, the avoidance and isolation are not helping. I been having a ton more anxiety even just being alone lately. I'm taking klonopin for just sitting at home by myself, and I used to only take it occasionally before I had to do something anxiety-provoking.
I don't think my family knows how bad it is for me. I'm basically non-functioning. I've been seeing a Dr, but it's hard to communicate sometimes where I'm at and what I need help with. There's that part of me that wants to hide the shame and embarrassment, and I end up not even able to find the words.
My Dr. asked me how work was going, and my initial reaction was panic, since this is a big source of shame. I said, "I haven't been going in very much, but it's fine, I guess." So what is he supposed to get from that? I have hardly been working at all, and here I am telling him that it's "fine". I went in there intending to ask him if he might be able to help me get out of my lease so I can move back in with my parents; but I just never brought it up, I got too sidetracked. And he asked me if I've had any suicidal ideation... I really did not want to tell him that I had. I just tried to gloss over it like it was no big deal. Life is sucking pretty bad right now. Not sure how to get the benefit of therapy if my head is so jumbled I can't communicate what's going on.
