Im not very good with describing my feelings but il give it a shot :
After being forced to move lately im finaly back in place and no immideate "danger" is up, yet im left with this empty feeling, knowing that it won't be long until something else comes up. There's always some issue involving money or treatment, or having to do treatment to get money...Begging for money at social services or trying to prove your disability can be so un-fun.
To be honest i don't think i wanna do anything more now, ive seen a therapist for a long time (ended now), have had regular chats with someone from social services (also over now). I just feel like giving in to the anxiety and just dissapear, just sit here and do what i do until something im not equpped to handle comes up and i do the final surrender.
Sometimes in what i call 'a moment of weakness' il feel like getting myself together and get a life for myself, but the feeling never lasts and only serve to make me more depressed and full of self-loathing for being a failure.
In all honesty, can i really be expected to go on and have a long healthy life like this? Alone, always angry or depressed, or both. On a good day il still be unhappy. I know not many people experience true happiness, certainly not on this site, but i don't want much, just some peace of mind. Sure i may have some online friends i can talk to at times but that only helps to a certain point. In a way having only online friends just makes me feel even lonlier. I don't have the strength to improve myself, or continue avoiding living, im so tired of it all...It gets harder and harder to get over it for every time this happens, which is more and more often.
