When I first found this site in January, I signed in, made my first home page ever, went into chat for the first time in 15 years, and then left. But, the whole experience had been so new and scary to me, that I shook for hours afterwards, and couldn't bring myself to come back in. lol
Then, in April, my husband of 23 years asked for a divorce. In retrospect, I should have seen it coming, but I didn't, or maybe I just didn't want to. To say I panicked big time would be the understatement of the year. Not only had I never been on my own in my life, but here I was totally housebound with Agoraphobia and SA and a multitude of other ailments, some requiring major surgeries, that made it impossible to take care of myself or my son, out there in the real world (He is also in poor health with SA).
After that first wave of panic passed, and I cried what I thought were all the tears I would ever cry for the rest of my life, I realized I had to somehow get over these problems or I'd never be able to help my son get over them. So, I swallowed the fear and came back in to SAF. And that's why I'm writing this blog.
Every day, no matter the mood, I force myself to come back into SAF and chat. To reconnect with others. To learn about myself and others. And, when I'm really lucky, to stop focusing on myself and what lies ahead so often.
And every day, no matter how much or how little I speak, or what mistakes I make along the way, or what stupid things I may say as I try to relearn to talk to people again, you all make me feel welcomed, and cared for, and like I have value, which is something I have rarely felt in this lifetime.
So this blog is to you...those who call me friend...those new anquaintences...and those I've yet to meet, for all those little things you do or will do. That hello, that rose, that hug, that light-hearted banter, that joke, or just allowing me to sit in silence when I need to. All those little things you do, that you may think are small, or insignificant, or don't matter to anyone, but which matter more than you could know.
But, even more, thank you for taking the chance to share your lives and experiences with me. For trusting me enough to put yourselves out there. For allowing me to see that we're all going through the same kind of things, and that we can survive it.
Your kindnesses and bravery have brought me so much hope that the terror of the future has subsided to occasional anxiety.
I know the future won't be easy. I know I'll stumble, and probably even fall. But, thanks to all of you, I think I'll be able to get back up, dust myself off, and take another step forward.
So thank you all, for helping me feel like I'm part of the human race again. I'm more grateful than these words will ever be able to express.
evrgrn
