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not coping
Posted On 05/12/2008 09:27:11 by smile

god, dont wanna depress anyone further, but my counseller just called me to say shes ill so ive missed my last session with her til september. i went to the doctors this mornin cos the betablockers he put me on arent working, hes put me on sertraline, so fingers crossed they actually help.

i think the main thing that is gettin to me is that it is the 10th anniversary of my mums death in july, and she died when i was 10, it means that after this it means that ive been without her for longer than i had with her, and i miss her alot. i dont wanna have to cope on my own anymore, my friends complain about the most trivial things and that makes it harder to talk about my own problems, cos they seem so much more extreme. i just feel like im putting on others when i wanna talk to them, i feel like they think its been 10 years, i really should have accepted things by now, but i dont know how.

i get upset about my granddad aswell, he died when i was 13, we werent allowed to see him, but a few months before he died i was with my dads partner at her friends house who lived opposite my granddad, and i asked if i could go over and see him, and she let me go over for 10 mins. i went to see him and made a cup of tea, and he started crying, saying that he was lonely and didnt see anyone anymore, i think he was desparate to talk to someone and i was the only one there, and i could tell that he was embarrassed about crying in front of me, cos he was always a strong person, i never thought id see him cry, and it kills me to have seen him like that. it kills me even more that i had to leave him in that state cos my 10 mins were up, and if id have stayed any longer i would have got punished. i just wish i could have argued back, cos any punishment would have been better that this.

everything is tainted, my dads partner ruined everything, she told me so many family secrets, and i was so young and should never have been told. she told me things about my mum i dont wanna know, that she used to have affairs behind my dads back and that she used to beat him up, and i dont wanna know these things cos its not like i can confront her about it.

i wish i could have all my memories erased cos they are ruining my life. sorry, ive just realised how long the blog is, but i needed to get this stuff out some way.



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Viewing 1 - 5 out of 5 Comments

From: Liam
07/05/2008 10:15:52

Hey Kayleigh, I just read this blog today.


I'm sorry to read about what you're going through - my mum died around the same time as yours (Oct '98), it's been pretty rough. I find it hard too to talk to my family, friends too frankly about about emotionally related stuff (or even online friends at times). It breaks me up inside a lot and it has added to anxiety problems I already had before then. I have managed to become less fearful about things since working at a full-time job and reading some pyschology books, so there is some hope.


Finding someone to talk to and be open with is hard, and it sounds like you have had some awful baggage from your Dad's partner. I hope you are coping and that you will enjoy your life ahead of you, even in these troubling times.

From: ASheyeGeye
05/13/2008 12:05:51
I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Frown Your dad's partner obviously had no clue how to treat a child.


From: keroppi
05/13/2008 12:56:13

sorry you are going through somuch right noe.  You'll be in my thoughts.

take care

  

From: mindylou
05/12/2008 06:13:27

Smile, I am so sorry about your missing your Mom and Grandpa..and it sucks how you were only allowed a few minutes.  Its like somebody cheated you and him both from time together.  I miss my Grandma who is been gone for 10 years too. She was really the only family I ever had and so I think of her often. 

  Your Dad's girlfriend or whatever SUCKS lol! i've met a few people like that, who confided in me as a teen because I would just sit there not knowing what to say and was known for keeping my mouth shut.

 I'm glad your here anyways..

From: SpesVitae
05/12/2008 04:51:54

(((Smile)))

 Your username sounds a bit ironic in light of this blog, but perhaps it's more appropriate now because through your anguish I hope from deep down you can pull out a smile, and realize that yes, this, too, shall pass, and everything will be just fine. I don't mean to invalidate your sorrow and pain, as most would probably feel pretty down under similar circumstances, but again, this, too, shall pass, and everything will be okay.

Inspite of the tears, you probably made your grandpapa's day that day, finally having been able to spend some time with his little sweetheart. You were still young, and knowing you would have gotten in trouble if you had stayed longer, he probably understood. He loved you anyway.

Yeah, it really must have been heart-rending to hear all that about your mum. I think it's wrong of your dad's partner to tell you all that at that age, and that she actually would taint your mind that way puts a question on her integrity and credibility. Maybe she's making stuff up? Regardless of whether or not the stories are true, though, whatever your mum did or didn't do to anyone else had absolutely nothing to do with the love that she had for you. Our parents make mistakes, and so do we, but we love each other anyway. But I can understand the sadness in the symbolism of your not having been with her longer than your having been with her as the 10th anniversary approaches. You'll slowly learn to accept it, and I have faith that you'll move on and make peace someday.

I don't know to which spiritual or religious tradition you subscribe, if any, but I think that God, or whatever or whomever you want to call it, someday reunites those who love each other. When that happens, you'll be all smiles once again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT8jqRZHUW8

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