So tonight is the night I've decided to finally broach the subject of a possible relationship to the guy I've been hanging out with since November.
I can't even describe how terrified I am to do this.
Not because dating scares me, or because relationships scare me, but because of the uncertainty I feel, and the knowledge that what I want may be worlds away from what he wants (and I'm afraid of him thinking that I'm living in a little romantic bubble, conjuring up cozy domestic scenarios for himself and I. I'm not delusional - we're friends, at the moment, nothing more. I'm just curious about whether he's ever considered making it something more, but conveying that without coming across like a swooning middle-schooler ("Do you like me, or do you LIKE-LIKE me!?!") gives me pause).
In some ways, being such a total pessimist makes me think that any reaction that ISN'T him demanding I leave his property immediately or laughing in my face (and then, I don't know, pushing me down the stairs or something) will be just a massive relief.
I'm just afraid of making the friendship awkward if he's not interested (and, seriously, I am fine with being simply friends. I am. I'm not going to pretend that I DON'T want somethng more, but I understand that things aren't always going to work out that way, and I WILL get over it - again, though, conveying that without making a massive speech is something I'm unsure of how to do, because I don't want this to come across as a huge bloody proposal). I've been playing through scenarios in my head, hoping to find an opening in which to casually bring the suggestion/question up without feeling like I'm putting him on the spot, but at the same time I want to be clear with my feelings and intentions...
I'm caught between wanting to be as straightforward as possible, because honesty is, I find, generally a preferable quality and is the "adult" thing to do; and wanting to couch it in more "sensitive" language, because discretion and tact are essential in asking sensitive questions, and that would be the "adult" thing to do.
I don't even know why I'm blogging this, because I may not even get to have this conversation tonight (not only if the right opportunity comes up or not, but we may not even be alone tonight, and no doubt I want to do this one-on-one, obviously), but I needed to vent to people who might understand how I feel.
Usually, guys I have NO interest in are very upfront about wanting to be with me; the first guy in years that I'm actually interested in is the first guy in just as long NOT to push for something more. WTF, lol.
Anyway. I got home from work not too long ago, need to have some coffee and eat something (maybe relax a bit) before heading out. Ciao, people.
