Sometimes I wonder if SAD (and AvPD) is something that only people who have it can really understand. There are some disorders that I think that everyone can understand to a degree like depression, if only the feeling sad part, but there are obviously others where this wouldn't be applicable, like schizophrenia. Obviously, not everyone is going to understand or be understanding of SAD beyond the shyness part and maybe things like being afraid to give a presentation in front of others. Still, I think that explaining about the fears and self-loathing and why it's so difficult for you to do something really kind of goes over a lot of people's heads. I guess it varies from person to person, and I've only really told one of my friends and hinted to a few others; my friends do know that there's something wrong with me socially, but I don't think they'd understand. I don't think the person I explained myself to really understood either, or was not willing to.
The main problem at least in my case seems to be that because I tend to act so weirdly and have so many destructive tendencies that people tend to only focus on those attributes and ignore any good qualities. After awhile, it always ends with them solely focusing on the bad and ignoring the good. I'm just too screwed up for them and so they cut me off. It's only been since last month that I've really started making an effort to redeem myself, but even for people who know that, they just can't get beyond how I've acted in the past. It's understandable now since it's only been a month, but I seriously fear that years could pass and even if I've really improved, they still won't be able to look past how I was. I guess that is partially their problem as well, but I still feel very alone with my problems except for on certain messageboards.
Anyway, I hope this didn't come off as something I should've posted on LiveJournal or that I was trying to depict myself as a victim (I really hope not for the second one). I just feel very sad that someone who I thought might understand and who said that they would try to better understand just turned around and revealed how very disgusted they were with how I act. Things like this remind me why I don't trust people.
