I'm not sure what "normal" people put in their blogs, but right now I need a safe place to vent.
I don't know if it's from the SA or what it is, but sometimes I just get in these moods where all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs because I feel so ######## helpless. I feel it bubbling in my blood, just beneath the surface of my skin; but I can't let it out because then I'd be interrogated and possibly even committed. I have absolutely no control over anything in my life or even myself in general. I'm controlled, every ######## action, by my SA. It's like being locked in chains that no one has the key to, and the chains are so sort I'm tied against a damn wall. I want more than anything to break free, but I don't know how, and I can't because the force is just so powerful that I can't break through. And all I want is to connect, to just one person. I'm not asking for a bunch of friends, I just want that special person I can be myself with and not have it overruled by this annoying urge to hide inside a ######## turtle shell.
I guess I'm lucky, in a way... my sister and I are so close. We're like... "The color purple" close. And it's great... but she has her own family now... kids, a husband. I hate feeling so ######## alone all the time. I hate craving and needing a connection so badly... I worry the day will come when I'm alone completely... when I die without ever having that love I ache for.
Most of the time I'm okay; I tell myself that it's all gonna be alright, that I don't need that companionship, but it's a ######## lie. What I want more than anything is a relationship of the romantic kind, with a best-friends type of friendship rolled in. I'm asking too much... I'm wanting too badly, because things like that don't happen to people like me; cursed people... alone people, and I wonder if there's a reason why we were chosen to walk this life alone, always longing to reach out but never finding a hand to hold.
I had my chance, I suppose; maybe I'm too picky. But I won't settle. I won't attach to just anyone... just because it's my "only chance". It has to be real, it has to be right.
But what if right isn't out there? What if there's only "okay". What if it's only "This could work, with some trying"? What if there isn't anyone out there reaching out for my hand, too; trying to find me in a faceless crowd of cheaters and liars and people that just don't know how to use their heart. What if I never have the "I've been waiting for you my whole life" moment? Would it have been worth waiting for if it never existed? Is it better to dream forever or better to settle for what can be "covenient" and "work out"?
I wish I had a special sort of voice, sometimes; one where I could shout as loud as a possible could and no one could hear it except others "like me", so I could find them better; so they could shout back and I could know in times like these that there's someone out there just like me... lonely just like I am, and then maybe the world wouldn't feel quite so empty anymore. Maybe the tear in my heart wouldn't burn.
