This end of the week..has been..not so good.. I've been torturing myself with feelings of worthlessness, trying to live up to standards of "normal" that I'm placing for myself.. doubting anyone would ever want to be my friend even if I did know how to talk to people. Convincing myself that anyone that does want to be my friend only feels that way out of ignorance: they don't know me well enough yet. Anyway, and now this. I didn't make it in for university this year. Because of the break-up, I've wasted an entire year of school. Can I swear right now, I'd really like to swear and yell. Now what? I'm so..whatever, it doesn't matter. And I hear my boyfriend is doing really well, or seems like it. That's good, I'm happy for him. Seems he didn't need me or maybe I was wrong and he never wanted me around in the first place. I feel like I've got to laugh. I've gone from this point of perfect happiness to a point where I feel like I've lost EVERYTHING. I had to withdraw from a school I loved, I lost the one place I really felt I could call home, the one person I ever felt I could call family and friend, and I've got no one. No friends and no hope of making any.. Just kill me now. I hate my life. This must be my karma, I know, but really, you know what I ask myself sometimes.. I don't remember ever making the request "May I be human, may I be born". I don't remember asking for this. I don't remember having a choice in the matter. And if I did, how crazy must I have been. I would have been perfectly happy as a tree, with no emotional capabilities whatsoever. Or a butterfly or a cloud. Otherwise, I would have been perfectly happy not existing at all.
The moments that I'm able to apply buddhism to my life..I feel ok. Even happy. I'm even able to be kind, loving, and helpful and benefit the people around me.. I find some meaning and even find myself slowly becoming less self-absorbed and more caring.. even from this crazy mess of a heart. But there are still some aspects of me that are so messed up that I don't know how to begin tackling it. I just needed a couple of triggers to be thrown back into these feelings of despair, worthlessness, and shameless self-pity. But I never know, my mood changes so quickly that maybe I'll be feeling better in exactly half an hour.. after I've had some breakfast.
