My mom told me we would be going out to breakfast this morning and even knowing that I still stayed up all night last night. When I woke up at 11 this morning I thought "Oh God I blew it!" Then while I was taking a shower I was imagining doing horrible horrible things to myself. The odd thing was I didn't feel angry, but I was thinking rageful thoughts. I ended up throwing my shaver against the wall a few times and beating my head against the shower wall a couple of times. Then when I went to my room I threw stuff and made a mess. I was so angry, yet I felt nothing, just an incredible urge to be destructive. I felt this way still shortly before breakfast too, having thoughts of throwing things. Instead of having urges to hurt myself I had urges to throw things around. I did actually feel better after I ate.
At least I didn't try to hurt myself. I much prefer this over hurting myself. I know it maybe has to do with depression or anxiety. Now that I think about it, maybe I do have depression, it's just that I don't show classic signs of it. Maybe my version of depression is just feeling really angry, frustrated and being out of my mind, or a nervous breakdown. Maybe I'm slipping over the edge or I'm just starting to. I don't know how much self control I have these days. Sometimes I feel like my mind is just trying to take me over.
