Lonely. And numb. Nothing makes sense anymore. I thought I know what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I had it all planned out. I was so wrong. Someone may love you at the moment, but it changes. Everything changes. And expected anything different is stupid.
I need to get out. I need to do something with my life. I need to get away from everything. And everyone. Start life over. Maybe it’ll be different. Maybe things will turn out better.
I’m so sick of the emptiness. Nothing makes me feel better. Maybe it does temporarily, but it never lasts. The same thoughts and the same memories always find their way back to the front of my mind. It is impossible to get rid of them. It gets to the point where I want to scream and cry and run far away.
I want someone to be there. I want someone to care. I want to know that I’m really not as alone as I feel.
But at the same time, it’s hard. It’s hard to trust again. It’s hard to care again. It’s hard to love again.
I tell myself there is no point in feeling like this. Everything will get better. But when? It’s been months and I STILL feel like hell. I’m still as miserable as I was. Maybe more because I bottle it up inside and pretend everything’s ok.
But it’s not ok. Nothing is ok. My life is just nothing. And it’s nothing noticeable to anyone else. It’s only things that I notice.
I stay locked up in my room and try to live my life and forget the past. Is that a healthy way to be? No, it’s not. I want to get out and have fun and just be happy.
It’s a process. A long and painful process. It’s something that needs to be done. I’m working on it. But it gets so lonely. So very lonely...
