One way in which my anxiety seems to impact me a lot is that I find it very difficult to allow anyone to get to know me. I have a terrible fear that the more anyone knows about me, the less they will want to be my friend. And so as time passes, I talk less and less, I reveal less and less of my heart so as to avoid this outcome. I just truly hope I won't do that here on this site, because I do want to let people get to know me for once..it will be really wonderful to make a friend that really knows my heart and yet maybe even likes what they see.
Anyway, all this to explain that I'm facing incredible resistance because of this when trying to write anymore blogs.:P I've been struggling to express how I've been feeling these days and I do hope I manage to submit this blog without deleting it for once ..(I've been deleting at least a few over the last little while:P) I find they have been the one truly effective outlet I've found so far.
Over the last couple of weeks, I've tried to put on a brave face.. I've even managed to fool myself pretty well. It might sound strange, but it's difficult for me to admit it when I'm not feeling so happy and when I'm not feeling very strong.. It's really difficult for me to admit when I had a terrible day, even to myself. The truth is that I'm feeling a lot of pain and grief that has become increasingly overwhelming over the past two weeks.. I'm having trouble dealing with it and I feel alone.. I wish so bad it wasn't so difficult to find the words to let this out.
But I do know all this just takes time.. It hurts a lot and..the past was really terrific and happy..but I have a new life now. I do have a lot of hope that time will make things better.. At the moment, my feeling is that a great first step is to find more outlets like this one so that I don't just keep this shut tightly within myself. So..that's my plan.:) Also, since I've arrived back in Montreal, I haven't found the strength to leave the house to do much or go anywhere. My hope is to put more effort to push myself out the door and, slowly but surely, refind reasons to get excited about life again..:P
I kind of already said this in another blog, but I really want to say again that the people I've met here have already given me so many smiles and that it has meant an infinitely great deal to me.. Thank you.:D I'm really so so happy to have met you all.:) This site gives me a lot of hope.
