Had a therapy appt. monday. It so totally sucked ass. Haven't cried in therapy for quite awhile.
Someone commented on my last blog that it sounds like my Doc Hunter sux. He's actually a ######## genuis, I'm just very unique and come with problems and symptoms that most don't have. Then you throw in my charming personality, the fact that I hate to be serious ect, ect, ect, and I make for a difficult albeit interesting specimen of a patient. I have even guinea pigged several times for KU and a few other people.
Anyway so this session we talk about why I don't like to go out by myself, why people scare me ect. On and on,,,my stress level and anxiety level and what I've been doing to try to relieve some of it.
I finally admit to praying and some new meditations, and he ask me what I say when I pray, told him it was none of his damn buisness thats between me and my higher power. Kinda like sex, it's personal and somethig are ment just for me to know.
We continued on and on at one point he told me I was wierding him out some. Thats my doc for you. He amuses me quite as much as I amuse him. He actually called William Faulkner a self conceded impetuas prick once while we were discussing The sound and fury.
Anyway it finally got down to the nitty gritty and I confessed some of my fears and it sucked and I cried my eyes out.
Some of what I admited to was fear of judgment, he asked if that was becase of the abuse and rape. It is, but its more then that. I'm not smart enough, not good enough, I feel judged over my suicide attempt. I feel like people look at me and they either judge me for one of many reasons or they look at me with pity. And I can't stand either. Its scares me, it hurts me, it makes me feel worse.
Sometimes I find therapy so damned draining and I hate it. It's like picking a day of the week every week and saying okay, today I'm going to let doc hunter pick my brain, make observations and totally throw me out of balance and all of that usually makes me feel like hell.
The problem is most day julia here lives in her own little bubble world and I don't have to face these issues, don't even think about them. I like my comfy zone. Not sure I want to leave it either. I don't mind my simple little life most days. I do feel bad for my family and my children so for them I wan't to change.
But I'm not really sure that the emotional pain I have to go through is worth it.
Most people just think I'm a little odd, a lot eccentric and life goes on. Why do I have to strive to be better then I am. Maybe who I am isn't really all that bad or broken. Just not like everybody ealse. Why do I have to fit neatly into someone ealse idea of normalcy.
life sucks at this particular moment, I want a carton of smokes, a carton, and a bottle of tequila, and puablo the cabana boy wouldn't be to bad either.
Going to head to bed now.
