In a few days it will be the first day of my new life. I always get strange dreams right when my life is going through big changes like this. I'm really scared, but at the same time, I think I've started to accept things a little.
I have a confession that I meant to mention in my first blog.. I felt self-conscious about writing last time, because although all those feelings I expressed were genuine, they seem to reflect a part of me I thought had disappeared years ago. Despite my social anxiety, despite all the troubles it gives me each day, I've just lived through the happiest five years of my life and my blog doesn't reflect that at all. But I guess.. I shouldn't be so hard on myself, after all, i just got dumped.
I don't know how much I'll feel comfortable sharing, but I want so badly to express something. We were really happy together. We had talked about marriage for over year, but after moving in together several months ago, I think he started getting scared.. He has worse social anxiety than I do and because of it, he hasn't been able to get a job in over five years. He felt he was holding me back in life and that I deserved better.. I wish so badly that I had been better at conveying how much I loved him and how much I cared, and the extent to which I was willing to always stand by him no matter what. But deep down I know that it wouldn't have mattered, because until the very end, he put what he felt was best for me before himself.
I'm still living with him since we broke up three weeks ago, since I had to finish paperwork so I could withdraw from my school here in Niagara Falls and go home to Montreal. I think that's why it still feels so unreal. And lately I've been completely numb from the shock. Unless it's that I'm not allowing myself to feel, knowing I would break down and I'm not ready for it. Anyway, it took a lot longer than expected but I finished the paperwork yesterday. My new life begins this Saturday when we will officially say goodbye.
One of the feelings I'm not as self-conscious to mention is that I'm going to be alone right after Saturday. I mean I've got no one. I can't even talk to my family. Everyone is super nice on this website, but to be honest with myself, I've got no idea how to actually become friends with the people that are even on my friends list. I'm terrified that right after Saturday, I'm going to literally fall apart. We had always been there for each other. It's easy now that we aren't together to realize the extent to which we've come to depend on one another. I guess it was inevitable, but I wonder if he's feeling as naked as I do.
I have to say that in a way though, I've been happy about the way things turned out. What I mean is that it could have been the worst three weeks ever, it could have been torture for the both of us to live together knowing it was over. And somehow we are managing to still find reasons to laugh together and joke around and enjoy each other's company right until the last moment. You know, I'm secretly wishing with all my heart that we could meet again someday, and even just to be friends would make me so happy. No matter what life will bring though, I know that I'll always treasure the years we spent together.
