I feel like my mind is all over the place and can't keep still. Like it's always in this constant state of anxiety, like it's waiting for everything and anything to wrong.
When I start feeling down like this, it feels as if I can't handle it. My anxiety worsens and panic builds inside me and it's like I can't deal with anything anymore. I've been lucky though, I've been usually feeling numb about everything lately. I think maybe part of that is I don't want to deal with my emotions, I want to ignore them until they go away. But every once in a while, I crack, because that can only work so much. My heart wants to feel at peace.
My biggest problem, and I know it, is that I have no self-esteem. If anything, where self-esteem should be, instead I have something more like self-hatred. I do wish I was better. I want to make friends, but deep down, what's preventing me is the conviction of not being worth anyone's time that holds me down and keeps me stagnating.
I don't know if anyone will read this, but I always feel like there's so much I want to say, so much I want to express, but instead, it all seems to sit in my chest waiting for this time that never seems to come when it can burst out.
The funny thing is I know I could be happy. Somehow I know it, because despite all the negativity that has built up in my heart, I have this unmistakable joy for life and hope and optimism that I really can't explain.
It feels good to be able to write this though, and let this out. How does one begin to find peace? It feels like, even though I know it's possible, it feels as if the journey will be insanely long for me.
