I haven't been on here for a little while. That is because I was hospitalized. Me and Christian, my roommate, got into an argument and he had said some mean things to me and put me down to the point that I felt suicidal. I figured if I'm all these horrible things and a bad person then why am I around? Why am I here? Why am I living? If I'm not around, then I won't bother anyone. That is how I felt and I cried and cried. The next morning, I was supposed to go into work so I got up but I still felt like poo and wanted to die so I cut my wrist. My friend Jasmine was supposed to give me a ride to work but instead I told her to take me to the ER. I was there for awhile and she stayed with me the whole time. She even missed work. I was surprised because I had just met her through Christian and became friends with her and she was being so supportive. I'm not used to that. She was just through the same thing so she understood. Anyways, after tests and questions galore, I was asked if I wanted to go to Divine which is another hospital here and I said yes. They have a Behavioral Health Center where people go when they need help for suicide, depression, drug and alcohol abuse and things like that. I was there for 5 days. Nurses and doctors talked to me and there were group sessions and activities and stuff. They did help a lot. The first day was scary. I didn't know what to do and I didn't know anyone. The SA makes it hard to talk to people, as we all know. I got taken off Paxil and I'm now on 75 mg of Effexor. I hope it helps. I also got prescribed Ambien 10 mg to help me sleep but that's just as needed not every night. My roommate felt bad and cried and came to visit me. I was pretty angry with him but he said he was gonna get help with his bipolar. He's on meds now and gonna talk to a psychologist. I have my doubts that he'll stick with it though. Anyways, my uncle came to visit me and my friend sarah and jasmine and even my boss and 3 of my co-workers. My co-workers even brought me flowers and snack food and signed a card. I was so suprised. I didn't realize more people than I thought actually cared about me. So I was discharged yesterday since I felt better and me and Sarah hung out most of the day. Since I wasn't home yet, me and Christian got in another spat and made me feel guilty by saying he had to work all night till 9 am and he waited for me all this time and he wanted to go to sleep. But my keys were at the house and I had no way to get in except him and if he was gonna sleep I wouldn't be able to get in. He's a deep sleeper and the worse person to wake up so I knew I had to go home while he was still awake or I'd never get in. He told me he'd call me when he woke up but I didn't know what time that would be. I know he doesn't sleep for just 3 or 4 hrs, it's like 10 or 12. So I was mad cuz I felt like he was giving me an ultimatum. I hate that cuz I can't make decisions well. But we argued about it for awhile and after he hung up on me I bawled my eyes out. I was so frustrated cuz I didn't want this to happen again. I was feeling good and happy and he ruined it! Then it hit me that I was safe at Divine and then to come back to reality really sucked. I didn't wanna be back down to the level I was again. But there I was. I told Sarah to take me home and she dropped me off. So I got home and Christian let me in then went to bed. I set my stuff down and I just felt sad and depressed again being there. I started to cry. I wanted to leave so I asked Christian where my keys were cuz I didn't see them anywhere in plain sight. He told me he'd get them when he woke up but I kept asking him and then he'd ask me why I needed them right away and I asked him to just tell me where they were and I'd get them but he was really being a dick and wouldn't tell me and told me to leave him alone cuz I kept pestering him about it and that he's trying to go to sleep. I started crying then we got into an argument about the keys and what my problem was and he said I didn't change at all. Then I called Sarah and told her to come back and get me whether I had my keys or not. He finally gave them to me. Then when Sarah came, her and Christian started yelling at each other. They hate each other and all I could do is cry. I couldn't stand it! I told them to stop but they wouldn't listen and now were screaming at each other. I dropped to the floor and cried hysterically for it to all just go away. I had to get out of there so then I made it past them on the porch and started walking down the street crying while other people were walking by and probably looking at me like I was crazy. I don't really know cuz I was too overwhelmed to care at the moment. Sarah followed me and talked to me for a little bit and I went with her to her house. She kept telling me I needed to move out of there. Many people have told me that. But I don't have the money right now to do that. If I did I would. When I eventually went home that night, Christian was starting to leave as I was getting there. I apologized to him just so we'd be ok cuz I hate arguing and conflict although I really shouldn't have been the one to apologize. He said not to worry about it and invited me to go out to the bar with him. OMG! It's so irritating to deal with him switching gears like that!
But I went with him. Stupid me when all I wanted to do was sleep. I stayed for like an hour and drank soda and we did have fun. We were acting like nothing ever happened. As much as I hate that, I do it to stay on his good side. So anywayssssssssss, I went back to work this morning which I really was dreading more than anything. I didn't wanna go and once I was there I still didn't wanna be there. But my day went well so I was ok. So that is my update. Sorry for this being so long. I wasn't expecting it to be but once I got started I couldn't stop, so if u r still reading this, I am shocked. U really must be bored lol. Thanks for reading. I had to get this off my chest whether anyone reads it or not. Later!
