Feeling very anxious because I know I have to call a doctor today. You know what's funny? A lot of you seem more concerned about my health than my family does :/ Thanks for the concern... just uggh I feel so pressured about it.
Yesterday I had trouble getting the SAF site to work, it just kept freezing up on me on IE and scrolling was lagged in Firefox so I got frustrated and gave up trying to do anything.
My mother mentioned to my daughter yesterday morning that it was Grandparents' Day when she woke up... I said to her "wow does that mean you are going to be nice and doting upon my kids like most grandparents are today? Because it would be so nice to see you like that for one day, it really pains me that my kids do not have the kind of relationship with their grandparents that I had with mine. They never made me feel anything but love when I was little" I know it hurt her feelings- she didn't say anything, and I felt kind of bad for doing so, but it hurts my feelings on a daily basis when she treats my kids like they are burdens to her. She is always annoyed at my daughter and the other day she even screamed at my son "shame on you! You are a bad boy!" which brought back memories of when I was little.
I went to church yesterday for the first time in a couple of months. It was the first day of Sunday school for the kids so felt it was important to go, and now that I am used to waking up so early in the morning with my son going to kindergarten, it wasn't too terrible waking up at 8am on a Sunday morning.
First of all, the pastor of my church is a very funny, normal, flawed man. He is very easy to talk to, and someone I think everyone could get along with and enjoy listening to despite their views on religion. One of the funniest sermons ever was when he talked about how "shit happens". That said, the sermon yesterday was about loneliness, and he talked about loneliness growing up, as a child, in high school, college, your job, etc... and it seriously made me start to cry because so many of those examples were like pulled straight from my life. I struggle so much on a daily basis with loneliness and other feelings and it is hard sometimes not to question why God why? But if it was not for my faith in God, and the fact that things will turn out all right in the end, I don't think I could get through all the really trying times.
The times where I feel so much emotional pain consuming me, the deep pain inside my chest and my wrists and being overwhelmed by that feeling of wanting to hurt myself to release some of that pain uggh.
I got upset because my mom was sitting there listening, but I knew it wouldn't make one ounce of a difference to my mother even though a lot of that I know she had to realize was exactly what I go through. It makes me angry that she can go to church every week and listen to those sermons, and still be such a bitch.
Anyways, besides calling the doctor today, I am still trying desperately to find child care for my daughter so I can do the job training program that starts next Tuesday. I feel very discouraged and the probability that I will get to do the progam seems very slim at this point. I wish that I had gotten some help from my family with this since they know how huge of an opportunity this is for me (they will help place me in a job at the end). It seriously hurts that they have not taken this seriously. When I asked my mom why she couldn't have helped me make some phone calls these past few weeks, she said that people told her she shouldn't be doing that for me.
That blew me away, because damnit, I sucked it up and made all the phone calls and went for the interview to even get accepted into this program myself, why couldn't she help me with the rest? Why does she always listen to other people and not me when this is so important for my future?
It's just like how she listened to all these other people telling her to force me to go back to college the spring semester of my freshman year because everyone has a hard time their first semester. Did everyone spend most of their time outside of classes crying hysterically in their dorm room? Did everyone make their meals in their room because they could not handle everyone staring at them in the dining hall? Did everyone get sexually harrassed by their professor? Did everyone have both of their grandmothers, one who was the person they were closest to in the whole world, die within months of each other while they are away at school?
Yeah I went back and I forced myself to be more sociable because that's what I was told was my problem. That if I could go out more, make more friends, I would be happier. So I sucked it up and talked to random people even though I constantly heard things like "you were here in the fall? we never saw you", which made me cringe and feel so small. And so there I was sitting in the student center by myself at night giving him the perfect opportunity to confront me and try to rape me too.
And when I couldn't handle it anymore, could not bring myself to go back there, it was my fault for throwing away my scholarship and wasting the other $6000 they had paid. No concern for me and what I was going through. And to this day, when I try to talk about it, all I get to hear was "you never told me he tried to rape you, or I would have helped you to pursue criminal charges against him" still no concern for my wellbeing, just going after him.
Okay, well, I really didn't mean to write about all this crap, now I got myself more depressed and that's not going to help me make these phone calls :(
