(disclaimer: I realize this is long. I'm longwinded and need to vent: deadly combination. Apologies in advance.)
Do any of you ever get tired of having SA and feeling like those closest to you don't understand? I'm having one of those moments right now.
I swear it's like sometimes I can't talk to my Mom about anything though for more than five minutes without it turning into a fight. And when the issue of anxiety comes up, it's just never good. You'd think she'd understand how difficult a psychological problem is considering she's bipolar, and yet? Not so much.
And it's been something she's heard about for the last seven years or so, and she still just does. not. get. it. And it doesn't matter how many times I try to explain. It doesn't even matter if I try NOT to explain, and say "you don't understand Mom, and that's okay. Just care, and that's enough for me. We don't have to talk about it." But no, that doesn't fly. Because it'll turn into her all in my face (figuratively speaking) about it, like basically pointing out how odd she thinks I am and how much help I obviously need, and making me feel worse about something I already feel bad about and pointing out what's already obvious to me anyway.
It doesn't even matter what progress I'd made over the years, or that she knows I kind of regressed with it this year, and that I've been slowly trying to get my bearings again. And because of that, certain things I was able to do more easily before are hard again now, such as going out to dinner with people I don't know for instance (which is what brought up this argument I had with her tonight). It's like I get no credit for what I've already dealt with, and no understanding of why certain things are still hard for me. It just makes me feel like crap, and so upset.
Anyway, I know that's vague and doesn't really give the details of what the fight was about, but I just needed to vent. Life just sucks sometimes, you know? Like really, really. I guess I just have to try to accept that she doesn't understand, and that in her mind she's not trying to make me feel worse.
She really has no filter or impulse control in what she says anyway, and I know I shouldn't take things she says personally, considering the crazy things she's said in the past to others as well as me. But it's hard. It would be better if even though she didn't understand, she at least stopped short of belittling the problem and making me feel crazy or hopeless for it. You know? But it is what it is.
It's just really frustrating is all, and makes me feel worse than I already did, which I don't need. But then again, I can choose whether to let it go and move on, or not. I can try to put it in perspective, realize I can choose how I feel about the situation, without letting how she feels take over. Or just try to remember that in her mind, despite that she's being harsh and hurtful, she is just frustrated by what she sees as me wasting my life and her not being able to help. Doesn't mean the way she talks to me about it is okay or helpful, but still. And I can try to look into what she says and see if there's anything constructive in it. Usually there's not a whole lot, but hey. Points for effort. And for just trying to take a stressful experience and turn it less stressful. Right? Right.
In a perfect world her response to me not being sure if I want to go to dinner with people I don't know would be to point out the obvious things like "the world won't end if you embarass yourself, and you don't know you'll embarass yourself, and you've done things like this before and been okay" and then say "but I know it's hard for you, so if you can't do it you know I understand. Do the best you can, and let me know if you want to talk." But is this a perfect world? No. So yeah, moot point.
Okay, better now. Or better-ish. (Still a little depressed about it, but trying to shake it off.) Thank you to anyone who bothered reading this rambly long mess.
