It is strange that even sitting at home alone, I can feel nervous about something as simple as writing a blog. Literally my hands are shaking and my heart is racing. Why? I have no idea. I normally don’t blog because it makes me uncomfortable, I feel like I don’t have anything worth while to say. I’ve tried to keep journals before and that never played out well. I end up having a journal that skips years. I figure this website is a good of place as any to start “putting it out there”. Another member told me that blogging helps her to keep track of her moods and offers her an emotional outlet; maybe it can help me in the same way.
I am very nervous about an event I am attending tonight. Even though it is an elective event; in which it is not necessary I go, I am trying something to face my SAD head on. I am however, bringing a “crutch” so to speak (My Sister), but the rest of the people will be total strangers. In situations like this my mind goes crazy because, I start putting a lot of pressure on the outcome of the event. I want to be able to network so I can possibly find an employment niche, but I have a feeling I will just sit back and observe, like I normally do. Since my little “breakdown” I have done very little with my life, out of fear…I suppose. What am I to do, when my “dream job” involves having an outgoing personality, something so far I do not possess. I know being a makeup-artist may not seem like a lucrative fulfilling job to some, but I believe it is what I want be. I do worry that others may think it to be a superficial career, but I don’t. I think that it only enhances what it already there and in some cases makes a face/body a piece of art ( not that nature didn’t already take care of that ) I know feeling like you look nice , is not curing underlining problems, but it can help for a short time, and for some that short time is an eternity. When I got out of high school I attended a community college with a hope to pursue a career in psychology ( I remember the first day of psych 101 , the teacher asked all of us why we wanted to be there, of course the majority of the answers were “to help people” , but one guy stood up and had enough guts to say “so I can try and figure out my problems” , I just remember being in awe of his honesty ) , but school just was not my “thing”. Anyway I guess the subject still interests me, and I’ve always felt I could help, but I also feel hypocritical, how can I help when I am such a mess? I am a mess and I know I need to get my life back on some kind of track, and everyone keeps saying “ baby steps Shannara” , but what happens when you just stop seeing the light…..
Anyway I guess tonight I will see. Adam (my Fiancée) keeps telling me I think too much, maybe he is right.
