i'm new here. don't even know for sure if i belong here. so far in my life i thought i was just a plain weirdo. and then i saw this documentary on social anxiety. it almost made me cry.
then i went online. looking for what it is. and then i did cry. it is me. ii'm 21. i was kind of ok until i was around 14-15 years old. an introverted bookworm, but ok. then i went to high school. wasn't a big change, same people, same town. but something broke in me. i became self-conscious about myself, about how i look and about what kind of person i am. slowly but surely i pulled out of every social activity. i was dancing before. then all my friends switched to drama, just school theatre, but i didn't go. i was worried bout going out and talking in front of people. and i was worried about having to change clothes in front of people. i never ever went swimming with my friends after i turned 14 or 15. i did it all the time before that. i rarely went on school trips, mainly because i was scared to be not fully dressed in front of someone else.
yes, this issue of self-perception seems to be more on the physical level. i hate myself for having this body, and i know my friends, my very own best friends are making fun of me because of being a bit overweight behind my back. i know this is not an eating disorder related community, but half of my problems are about my weight. and i weight 122.5 lbs. needless to say, all of my friends are around 100. so that makes me obese.
the other half is my inability to talk to people. i don't know when it started. but i can't talk to my parents, i can't even talk to my friends. i am a good listener though. thank god they all have such exciting lives, they never run out of things to talk about. i do. usually after saying 'hi'. the only person i can sometimes talk to is my sister. and she really is the only one, and it only works sometimes. but she doesn't like me either. no one likes me. i used to have dreams where my mother and my sister were both hating me and calling me stupid and whatnot.
well, i'm sure no one is interested in my pathetic life. and i really hope not too many people read this, because i'm not comfortable with people reading my writings.
i should be a happy girl. i am intelligent, not too ugly, having a loving family, going to a great college, financial situation ok. but i am just another weirdo no one will ever like. the weirdo people talk about as 'that strange girl'. and i hate myself because of that.
sorry if this is out of place and anyone feels i don't belong here. just tell me and i never post again.
