It's 3:15 am and once again I am wide awake. I try and try to sleep, but my mind races with way more thoughts than it can handle. It would be so easy to just pop in an extra xanax, but I dont like to do that, and besides, it would probably not help me sleep anyway.
I have to go to the hospital today in about 7 hours and have a heart catheterization done. Yippee! I had a stress test, and echocardiogram done last week, and the stress test shows normal, but the echocardiogram shows a problem, so now we do the heart cath to find out which test wasn't telling us the truth.
However, a remarkable thing is happening to me now, and I have been trying to sort it out in my head for about 3 or 4 days. With my SAD and GAD I have always had panic attacks, and one the the symptoms of my panic attacks is the feeling of having a heart attack. Now that a test by a cardiologist shows some sort of abnormality, I feel no fear. I feel almost like I have been redeemed. Its so strange of a feeling, I dont think I can put it to words. So many years and now they find a problem. I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to reflect on my life so far. A strange thought process is going on here. Thus, long nights.
