I am a complete write-aholic. If a three fore-headed sabre necked marsh-badger was about to eat me, I would probably die, because instead of running away, I would prefer to sit there and write about the experience.

I also play a little ukulele{Of course its a little ukulele, because a big ukulele is just a guitar with two missing strings}

I like to perform comedy while standing, as strangers with beverages and side orders remain seated{WHAT??? A SOCIAL PHOBE WHO PERFORMS STAND UP COMEDY????} It's ridiculous I know, but this disorder is quite grand at being a plethoratude of nonsensical.

I also like making up words{See above:"Plethoratude"

I read a lot.

I create poorly produced, tomfoolery ridden comedic parody and hip hop. No, I don't do the "My pit bull can eat more Loch-Ness Monster jerky than your pit bull" type of hip hop that you are probably thinking of. I do a word play/comedic style of hip hop that doesn't take itself too seriously, while making fun of those who do.

I also write a humor column for a local magazine.

Boogie Nights, Monty Python and the Quest For The Holy Grail{and Life Of Bryan}, The Big Lebowski, Raising Arizona, Smokey And The Bandit,Dazed And Confused, Snatch, Blazing Saddles, Made,The Stoned Age, Fight Club, Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, O Brother Where Art Thou, Next Friday,Porky's{The whole trilogy}, Good Will Hunting, Napolean Dynamite, Fargo, The Gods Must Be Crazy, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Top Gun,

If you ever want to shut me up, just hand me anything by Mark Twain, Carl Hiassen, Chuck Palahniuk, or Tim Dorsey!

Some other favorites:
The Celestine Prophecy, Atlas Shrugged, Whisper Of The River, The Da Vinci Code, The Secret, American Psycho, The Mezzanine

Right now I'm reading: The Now Habit: A strategic program for overcoming procrastination and enjoying guilt free play{LOL..Considering the fact that I am reading a book to help me stop procrastinating, If I don't have a different book listed soon, this book must not be very good! lol

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Light switches, the dial on the oven, The knob on the Crock Pot..You asked for turn ons and all of the things I listed are utilized to "turn on" various mechanisms of convenience in my life. Ok seriously.

{Those really interested in my Turn Ons, read the next section down and do the exact opposite!}

People who think they are clever because they pronounce the word "coincidence"
by saying CO-WINK-EE-DINK

People who think they know everything, but are never quiet long enough to learn anything

The folks who actually try to convince us that the black jelly beans are the best flavor. We all know they just want to seem counter-culture and elitist!{They also like the crust pieces in a loaf of bread} We get it! You want to be different just like everyone else!

This is the section where most of you put your menu of maladies, so here's my resume of rumptardedness.

I've been socially anxious to varying degrees my entire life. In my early adult years, I got to where I could maintain, but a recent bout with depression brought my anxiety back full force and has rendered me as worthless as a mesh canteen. The past few years have been an uphill battle for me. I am just now rebuilding my life, so things are starting to look up.

I just went back to school and am double majoring in English{writing}, and Philosophy.

I really am open to talk about anything and everything, so you guys don't be bashful!